Friday, December 31, 2010

Another Beautiful day at home.

hug and kisses


Thursday, December 30, 2010

There is sunshine in my soul today!!

hug and kisses


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dearest Readers,

I hear that you all want more amusing stories from Brown World. Well guess what? There is not any. But I am not allowed to say that. Oh no! I am not allowed to say I am having a hard time as a mom. I am not allowed to say I am overwhelmed. I am not allowed to show any sort of emotion that shows that I am not doing Freaking Fantastic!! Because the moment I show any sort of emotion that does not agree with every one it is thrown back at me in such a hurtful way that I MUST be wrong for feeling so. So I will say what you all want me to feel.

I am so fullfilled as a mother. I have no desire to have any sort of friendship or even leave my home for that matter. I love being home 24/7 with all five of my wonderful, adorable, beautiful children. How could I EVER want for anything more in my life? I am completely blissed out. I am complete. Why should I even bother to try to do anything at all to find happiness for myself? That is just complete selfishness. This is not about me. I have no needs, no wants or desires. I am a perfect mother. I am at that constant beck and call. I have no need for hobbies. Those are for women that cannot find fullfillment in their children. I will be all happy, happy, joy, joy!

So I really hope you enjoy insincerity as much as I do. This is going to be a fantastic blog! hugs and kisses to all.


Friday, December 24, 2010

I am begining to think I am not the best influence on my children.

So Daniel has had a stomach bug. He was up puking on Tuedsay night. By Thursday he was fine and dandy. This morning he informed me he is "shooting bile out his butt" and was worried that it is more than just a flu bug. I told him that is totally normal and laughed. He said "I would not laugh if I were you. You are gonna have to wash out the skidmarks" I quickly quit laughing.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


some mom's thrive at being a "mom." i am not one of them. don't get me wrong, i love my children a lot.but winter break is hard. it is cold, wet, and snowy out. my house is roughly the size of a postage stamp and i am sick. i have a terrible cold. my body hurts, my head is filled with snot and i wanna just go hide in my room until school starts TWO WEEKS!! We get on eachother's nerves. I can bond with my children, but i prefer if other people were bonding with them right now. There sweet little voices are like nails on a chalk board right now. All their questions are making my head want to explode which would result in just another mess for me to clean up. Please pray for me and my children, that we shall make it through these next two weeks without any lasting, emotional damage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Another establishment that we leave with our heads hung in shame

The girls wanted to go here for their birthday dinner. Bonus, I did not have to cook! Double bonus, I don't have to buy them anything other than a drink. They have all you can eat free peanuts. I only have to feed the three other thugs.
Anna started feeling unwell right before we left. She felt warm when we sat down. She ate like a trooper. I spent the time shuttling girls to go potty, get refills, get more peanuts, get ketchup for their brothers fries they were snatching. Basically doing everything but eating.
Then "it" happened. It was pink, her favorite color, and well I was glad I had not eaten. Anna barfed 3 times! all on the floor, but in a different spot eachtime. Yes, I saw the look of horror on the other diners faces. I sent Daniel to the counter for re-enforcements. We tried to make a quick escape. Ya, that just does not happen with this crew. Nor were they quiet about it. It does not help that I was laughing to myself as we left.
As we loaded back up into the car to go home and open up birthday presents Anna stated, "That was the best birthday dinner ever!" I love my kids!! They make this blog possible!

Monday, December 6, 2010


It was brought to my attention, very subtly, that i have been remiss in my blogging. I am so,so sorry. Really I have not had a lot to laugh about lately. This holiday season is kicking my butt. Turns out I am not a fan of having my butt kicked. But that is a topic for another post.

Last night Raquel, our large, white, hairy dog that loves to shed, and she is very good at it. Anyways she comes in at night. Last night she came in with a wad of crap stuck to her fur that was the size of a tennis ball. NOT KIDDING! Daniel noticed it first. I cornered her in the kitchen. For some reason me calling her with fear in my eyes and a large scissors in my hands made her very nervous. So I had to make Daniel straddle her backwards, hold her hips with his thighs and pull up on her tail. (ya, it did not look any better than it sounds) I went at her with a plastic bag covering one hand and scissors in the other. I had to set up shop next to the trash can because I kept on gagging. No, sadly, the poop was not frozen because that would have helped with the smell. This clump was firmly attached though. I gave her a nice "privacy cut" and told her what went on in this kitchen can never, ever be discussed among us again. We still cannot look each other in the eye.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


so due to budget cuts at the Brown house we had to change our brand of dog food to what ever was on sale and I have a coupon for. I received gripes and complaints for this change on the menu. AND NOT FROM THE DOG! It was from the boys. Yes, the very same boys that refuse to eat 90% of the food I actually prepare with love and resentment. Last week I bought some Kibbles and Bits remembering how happy Raquel would be because the dogs and the commercials were always so happy to eat it and woof out the theme song. For those of you too young to remember I posted a link.

But what I got was a list of complaints about the lack of flavor and texture from the boys. One in particular who shall not be names because he is always has a weapon on him somewhere and I really don't want to be on "that list."

What they wanted back was Costco's brand of dog food. In the lamb and rice flavor. Well they are just gonna have to wait for a coupon for me to purchase it just like the dog.
Now on to another topic, dog treats. also a debate in our home. Papa and Grandma like to spoil Raquel and bring her goodies when they come over. Shhh, it is mainly Papa that does this. Tee hee.
Here is the review from the snackers. They said that although Beggin' Strips smell just like bacon they do no taste anything like bacon. In fact they taste really bad. So no Beggin' Strips.

But Pup-peroni gets five stars. They said not only does it smell appetizing, it tastes really good too.

So folks, there you have it. You and I both learned something today. I learned that I am knocking myself out cooking gourmet meals for kids that would rather eat dog food and you learned how to make your pooch one very happy, well fed doggie.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Disney on Ice

A very good friend, who insists on hanging out with us even though she knows my kids, took the girls and I to Disney on Ice last night. We have never gone to something like this. I did not tell the girls until 30 minutes before we left, which turned out being 30 minutes too early. Diane brought her grand daughter along too. Turns out three 5yr olds is the perfect age for this. They clapped, squealed, and were on the edge of their seats for the whole two hours of the show.
This is Anna just after Arial, her favorite princess, took to the ice. I think she may have peed a bit in her panties.

This is Maria after Ariel took to the ice. I love how excited they were.

And of course Ariel and her Prince.

Clapping after the performance.

This is a lousy picture but it has all the princess sitting around the fountain with the fairy godmother on top.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Diane for a wonderful evening. The girls did not pass out till 10:30 last night. They were so wound up. But I am positive they had the best dreams ever.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November 14,1966

This is the day Dan was born. This would have been his 44th birthday. I let the kids plan what to do to celebrate his birthday. I personally would have liked to have done nothing. Sounds awful I know, but I am really good at avoiding hard situations and hoping they will just go away.

The kids were so excited to plan his birthday. They decided on getting Dan's favorite cake, a four layer chocolate monstrosity from Costco. It is so rich and chocolaty. He loved that cake. Well really he just loves cake, but this one was is favorite. They also wrote notes with birthday wishes and we went up to the grave site. Now I will be honest with you, I have been there once shortly after the funeral and have never been back. Sounds terrible, but I honestly don't care what you think. The kids released balloons with their notes and watches them go up into the clouds. I was fine as long as I did not look down. Later I found out that Daniel really wants to go out there more often so I need to suck it up. We came home and had cake and ice cream.

My sister, Kathryn, came down from Republic. She said she was here just for a visit. Now people of the internet, in all my 12 yrs of living here she has never stayed just for a visit. I know she was a spy my mother set here while she is away in sunny California. But I must admit that even for a spy she was really nice and I enjoyed spending time with her alot.

I did think of taking pictures of our activities but the bile rising in my throat let me know that was not a good idea. So this post will just have to be pictureless. Someday I will post a picure. He site is beautiful. He is at the top of a huge hill that over looks miles and miles of fields. It looks over the road he ran on as a highschooler and the hills he and his sisters used to sled on as kids. It is a familiar place to him. okay, that is all i can write. bye

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Whole New Respect.

Jakey got this gun for his birthday. It is a really cool gun. At least until a dart gets jammed in it and it locks up. Then it is not a cool gun at all. It is a @#!&% gun. You see this gun is held together by 23 screws of varying sizes. Wednesday afternoon I gained a whole new respect for the children in China that put these guns together. I had to take it down into the smallest of pieces to get the two jammed darts out. I was rather proud of myself when I put it back together and it worked! Granted it took 45 minutes to do. I proudly told Jakey when he came home from school. He responded with a shrug and a mumbled, "thanks mom." I wish I had the gun in my hand at the time. Grrr.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

jakey's baptism and birthday party

Yep it was a pretty exciting day for Jakey. Our very dear friend and former Bishop, Dennis Dipo did the honors of baptizing Jakey. He and Dan had been good friends for years and Dennis was there with me constantly for Dan's last days. He is truly a good man. And it does not hurt that he has a connection with Cyrus O'Leary Pies. Mmm.
I really struggled posting any pictures of myself because I truly hate them. But, I know that this post is not about me, (for once) it is about Jakey!

While I had the kids all looking respectable, and trust me that does not happen all that often, i thought that it would be a good idea to get a family picture. I wanted to do this before the baptism but time got away from us. So here we are and yes, I know my face is a mess. Yes, I cried, but seeing Jakey so happy really lessened the pain.

Now on to the PARTY!! And Jakey loves a good party, especially when it is for HIM!!

The present of the day was his DSi XL. what? you don't know what that is? go ask your kid or grandkid.
The nerf wars in our house get pretty rough so Ike and Daniel got Jake a new semi-automatic nerf gun that hold 35 rounds. Poor kid still does not stand a chance.

Here is Grandpa Reneer and Papa Brown.

It really was a fantastic, bittersweet day for our family, but I can't help but think that all of our fantastic days will be bittersweet from here on out. I am so thankful for the gospel, I am so very thankful for the Atonment and very much grateful for the plan of salvation. It brings me great peace to know we are and always will be a family.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


How weird is it? I am in a small house surrounded by "my" five little darlings. Well okay, darlings is stretching it a bit. And I have found myself getting lonely. Not just bored. I mean ya, we all get bored with the day to day grind. But I am missing my companion in the day to day grind. Someone to whine and complain to about being bored. I am missing laughing with others. Turns out I really love to laugh. It makes me feel so much better. I am trying to keep busy. I am working on my needle point like I am suppose to, but turns out needle point does not talk back. And it rarely makes me laugh. If I had the chance I would go out everynight just to talk and laugh with other people. No worries, I am not going to do that. This is just another adjustment for me. One, that for some stupid reason, I did not predict coming. Heck, we have not even talked about it in counseling. So for the time being I need to relax and take it one night at a time. Just like everything else. I am sure this too shall pass. I am so blessed to have so many friends around to put up with me.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I am dumbfounded.

So Daniel (14) gets up at 5:30 monday morning for early morning seminary. (Religous class)

He stated, "I am gonna kill Jake."


He continued his thought which impressed me because he struggles with that anyways. He was really focused. "He got into my night vision goggles and now he must pay with his life."

I try to diffuse the situation because I am fairly fond of Jakey. " Now Daniel, you don't know it was him for sure. You have a lot of siblings." Please let Jakey be innocent for just once.

"Mom" he sighs, "He is wearing them on his head."

Crap. Even I would have to say that is pretty damming evidence.

So Jake wakes up. Well sorta wakes up. I ask him if he got into Daniel's goggles. He confesses without a fight. I can only assume because he was still asleep just trying to make it into the tv room to watch cartoons.

I asked if Daniel may punish him for his crimes. He agreed. At least I think he agreed. It was pretty garbled.

Daniel picked the kid up under his arms, and put him out on the front stoop and shut the door. Now this is 7 am. It is cold out! I go and open the door to see Jakey still standing there. I haul him in and set him on the couch infront of his cartoons. He may and he may not remember this morning events.

Seriously folks, i just can't make this stuff up.

5:00 pm. the phone rings. It is the kids school district. I was not panicked. This is the third time I had heard from them this day alone.

School:Mrs. Brown?

Me: Yep.

School: Your dog is loose.

Me: Oh crap.

School: Inside the school.

Me: (edit thoughts.) oh crap

School: As you know this is not the first time.

Me: Dang, they have a good memory.

School: We cannot catch her. She has no leash or collar on.

Me: And yet you know it is my dog and have my phone number on speed dial.

School: Could you please come down and get your dog out of our school.

Me: Do I really have to?

so I grab the nearest rope. Because of Ike and his love of tying his little brother to things. The only rope I can find Ike has already tied into a noose. Perfect! 'cause when I see the dog this is what I am gonna need. Daniel commened that the rope did not look good. I said, "We are beyond trying to look good. These people already know us too well."

Dog is home. Child who let dog out of backyard and NOT TOLD ME is still alive. So all in all it was a success. I just wish I could find the kid that let her in the school!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

warning, this post includes wine.

well more like whine.

I have had a roller coaster of a week. I really thought I was getting better at coping, but then we did our annual family pictures. Some kids really struggled with it and as the photo shoot when on I started to notice the gap in my family more and more. By the end it was all I could do to not break down in front of the kids.

Then Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to watch my friend's kids while she and her husband took out their endowments and got sealed in the temple. I loved watching her girls. They are just wonderful. But I was shocked at the gaping hole that got opened up in my chest when I dressed myself in my whites to go into the sealing room with the girls (I got to hold the baby!) It hurt, physically hurt. I felt awful because here was there special day, and I was a mess. By the end it was all I could do to get out of that building and into my car! I had to pull myself together for the kids. I feel like that is all have been doing this week. Just pulling it together. Well today I couldn't. My heart was broken all over again. I physically hurt. The whole in my chest was tore open all over again and refused to be covered. I am a mess. I fell into bed and hid. Called my in-laws to pinch hit for me. I could not even pull it together enough for to take care of my kids. My mother in law had to drag me out of bed. I did not go willingly. I would much rather sleep through this until morning and wake up and start my routine again.

I did not realise how lucky I was to have someone tell me I am doing a good job, or that I look beautiful today, or that took me no matter what or at least look at me with love. Not the way a child looks at their mother, or the way a mother looks at her daughter. It is a different kind of love. With out that I am losing confidence in myself, I doubt myself a lot, and in general just feel and look like crap. Now, I know I cannot expect someone to give me back my confidence about me, that is something I am going to have to find in myself. I just don't want to. I would much rather wallow in self-pity, thank-you very much.

so right now I hurt, it is fresh, it is open and it sucks. Please let this pass quickly. Please,please,please.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Why you should never leave a Reneer un-attended. EVER!

So if you leave this guy, the one in the picture who is gouging out his eye with the wrong side of the hammer, yup. turns out you get what you pay for when it comes to family help.

He organized and labeled all of Dan's tools on Saturday. He did a great job organizing. The room has honestly never looked better, but apparently he still thinks I am an idiot. So he labeled things, everything, you name it, it has a label.

Some labels are more practical than others......

Yes, Carlos, because I have never seen one of these before.
Surprisingly, this can does contain screws.
Good thing he labeled this. I never would have figured it out.
Somewhere in bikini bottom Spongebob is crying.

Technically these are shelves. So there Mr. Smarty Pants.

To be honest I am very grateful for all the help that came on saturday. It was great to be surrounded by family and friends. We got so much done in one day. It would have taken me weeks by myself.

Friday, October 15, 2010

A letter to my personal trainer, Doug

Dearest Doug,

I know I am mouthy, obnoxious, lazy, sarcastic, and less than pleasant to deal with twice a week, but really is that any excuse to make me unable to walk? I know you missed me on Tuesday, but there is no need to make me think of you all weekend long as I try to walk up a step, stand up, or sit down (a favorite activity of mine) I am sure to you physical pain is all part of the program but for me, a wimp by nature, pain is something that should be avoided at all costs. Especially if I am the one in pain. I am sure you will read this, feel terribly sad, and be nicer to me on Tuesday. Or this will backfire and end in a horribly, fiery death for my quads.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

this is beyond Calgon

The following took place in the 10 minutes i was in the shower. I know, what was I thinking? Showering before 10pm? well don't worry, i won't be showering again for a long time.

Ike has been practicing his hangman's noose. he has mastered it finally. at least that is the conclussion i came to when i walked in to seeing two cabbage patch babies, one stuffed dog, a stuffed fairy cat hanging and him working furiously away at another stuffed dog. children were in tears. Where does this kid find the rope? seriously!! i don't keep the stuff in the house for obvious reasons.

We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel. so of course all lights, shower pans, and fixtures must be packed in styrofoam. EVIL, EVIL stuff! Maria got a chunk and went into her room and tore it to shreads. now this would be messy in and of it's self but i will be honest with you. their room is not clean. it was all over stuffed animal (ones that were not alread strung up),dress-up clothes, toys, duplo blocks (static attraction un-real), and bedding. it was a huge mess!! and as you know, the more you sweep, shake, and vaccum the more they get attracted to walls, you and your vaccum. i think i got their room and the hallway cleaned up but every once in a while i run across a little styrofoam ball rolling by. the war rages on and i am probably gonna lose but i have to try.

so to wrap it up, that was 4o minutes of my morning. and Maria is grounded for the next two days.

Friday, October 8, 2010

No. I am not ignoring you

Just been very busy with home projects. But don't you worry your pretty little head i am taking pictures of the progress and will have a wonderful story to put together for you soon. At least i hope soon. I am tired of cold showers.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

going down

Ever have those moments when you think you have it all together than BAM! You get the wind knocked out of you? You get up, dust yourself off, think to yourself, "wow that sucked." and move on. right?

well for the past three months I have been getting the wind knocked out of me on a daily basis. everyday, no matter how hard i try to keep things working, keep the kids up on homework, keep my house together, do my callings, and be there for friends and family by the end of the day I am five steps farther behind than what I was when I woke up that morning.

The first few times I bounced back up, dusted myself off and tackled the problem. Sat down, came up with a solution and a plan to reach that solution and put it into action because that is what you do. It does not solve anything to sit around and mope and watch the house and children fall down around you.

Each time you get knocked down, no matter how resolved you are, it gets harder and harder to get back up. You get physically tired, you are emotionally drained and yet before you can get all the way up, the next hit comes and BAM! you are back on your back again. Does not matter that you are not up, children gather around you asking you to fix things, find things, feed them, resolve fights, then there are things outside the home, sports, church, scouts, activities all that need your attention. So you struggle to get up on your knees, thinking to yourself, "I have to do this. It must be done." Then BAM! You get knocked back down again. What is the point of getting up anymore. I cannot win. I cannot do it anymore. I have no more fight left in me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to plan anymore, I don't want to find solutions because guess what? It is all a load of crap. It doesn't matter what I do. I will never get ahead. I will never solve it all, IT WILL NEVER STOP COMING.

so I surrender. I am not strong. I cannot handle this. And I AM DONE.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A huge milestone!

I have struggled for sometime finding a healthy routine for myself and my family. Thanks to the wonders of Celexia it is getting better. I did not mop my floors yesterday! AT ALL!! this is huge you see, because it has been months since i have been able to not do that. i wrapped myself up in the comfort of housework until i was suffocating and others around me were struggling because of the stress i had put on myself and the un-realistic expectations i had for those around me.

i have found myself becoming un-wound. we hung out around the fire the other night for no reason at all. yesterday we went downtown and went to Brittles, fancy candy shoppe. (you can tell it is fancy because of the extra "pe" in it's name.) then we went and rode the carousel in Riverfront Park and walked over to the library after that. It was a fantastic afternoon and i did not have the stressful thoughts of all the housework that i should be doing and that i am getting behind on by not being on schedule. the house did not collapse, the children did not suffer, and i still had time to go hang out at Hobby Lobby with my BFF in the evening.

i must say, i am loving this whole new schedule!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

a morning at the Ruff and Fluff

The gas station down at Fred Meyers has a doggie washing station. My mother in law Barb (see, now your name is featured on my blog!) and I took Raquel down there because she was gettting a tad bit ripe. (I can say that because she does not read my blog) I can sum up the experience in one word. AMAZING!! they have a tub with a ramp and flexable spray nozzle that warm water, soap, or conditioner comes out of. It all depends on your selection on the handy dandy selection menu! We scrubbed her up really good. I may or may not have also hosed down my mother in law,but since there are no witnesses i am going to deny any accusations coming from her. She took the back end and I took the front end. Ya, I totally won out on that deal. Then after all the rinsing, soaping, rinsing, conditioning, and rinsing yet again....we got to blow her dry. I won the toss on that job. It is a "high pressure" air hose. it was shooting Raquel hair all the way out the door. In fact we left a fine layer of Raquel hair all over the tub, walls, floors, my mouth, my face, my apron (yes, they provide a rubber apron!) my mother in law's face, clothes and mouth. basically everything else we ate or touched that day had a bit of Raquel's hair on it. it was totally disgusting. It totally poofed her out! she looks like a sheep wondering around in my backyard.

But look how pretty she is now! We took the shop vac to her, yes, you read that right, and vaccumed up alot of the loose hair. Raquel loved it. If i was more organized i would make that a daily chore for me to get caught up on all her shedding. I do know that we will definatly be back to the Ruff and Fluff again. I am thinking once a month. The vaccuming did not help with the "foofie" look she has going on right now. but that is okay because she looks so darn stinkin' adorable!

Monday, September 6, 2010

the tradition continues.

There was a small situation a while back that involved me, and elderly woman, and 1/2 off maple bars.

Now before you "TSK,TSK,TSK." I want you to know that I mowed her down as gently as possible. I mean as gently as I could with 1/2 off maple bars being offered for a short time in the Safeway at Newport where I grew up. (well, sorta grew up. At this time I obviously had not grown all the way up. I would like to think if I were put in the situation now I would lift and move the kind woman out of my way. Now that I am grown up and all.) This story has gotten completely blown out of proportion because of my older sister, Regina, who was witness to this massacre, er, I mean, misunderstanding. I did not knock the woman down. I think she only stumbled. I say I think because I did not look back. I was a woman on a mission. It was after cross country practice and I was hungry. Really hungry. Is that a good excuse? No, it is not. But I never said anywhere in this story that I had a good excuse.

I bring my shady past up for a reason.....

Last Friday, Sept 3, 2010 at 7:45am, Daniel ran over an old lady and her toy poodle on his bike. He was biking half asleep and he said the sun was in his eyes at the time. The lady was jogging with ,"*Bitsy" when they came to the crest of the hill to see a sleepy fourteen year old lummox on a bike toting a 30lb back back. I don't know why she stayed the course, maybe she was Republican, but it resulted in her and Bitsy getting mowed down. Daniel also fell off his bike in this skirmish. He quickly scrambled back on and took off, never looking back for fear the woman would attack him. We live in a pretty rough neighborhood. The senior citizens rule the streets from 4am to 4pm. It is best to carry mace with you.

And so the tradition continues, not quite Fiddler on the Roof, but you get the idea.

*Bitsy's name has been changed to protect her identity.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My Son's Soap

So I buy Daniel and Ike body wash just for them. I understand the they don't want to use the girls shampoo/body wash that smells like strawberries, and Jakey is just fine with a bar of soap but to entice the older two to wash I try to carry stuff just for them.

This time I bought ZEST Ocean Breeze. I laughed out loud in the checkout line as I read the back of the bottle.

"Zest Ocean Breeze gives you and your family an unforgettable scent that is released during the shower and lasts for hours. Inspired by the memorable moments in life, you can carry those aromas with you every day."

Now I am not sure why this tickles me so, but I have three thoughts....

1. I don't want my son's aromas to be memorable. EVER.

2. Somewhere a group of people with room temperature water and a bowl of jellybeans had to sit around a conference table and think this up.

3. And how pathetic is your life if showering with Zest counts as a memorable moment?

Sept 2,1994

Dan and I were married in the Portland Temple. It is a beautiful temple and my favorite one by far.

Today would have been our 16th anniversary. It is sorta of funny that I remember this because we rarely did before. Dan's tabs for his favorite car in the whole wide world, he reason for living, his youth all wrapped up in shiny black sports car-ness were due on Sept 4th. So he always got the two dates mixed up. In all sincerity we should have just gotten married two days later. Would have made it so much easier on the poor man. Usually we would remember sometime during the day and do the forehead "Duh slap" and then wait for the kids to go to bed and get some take out to eat. As Daniel got older we would then put the kids to bed, leave him in charge and go out to eat. Problem is if you don't want to eat at Applebees, there are not a whole lot of options for places open that late on a weeknight so we spent a few anniversaries at a local bar. (GASP!) Sometimes I would get a bouquet of grocery store flowers, you know the ones husbands get when they have done something stupid like forget there wives birthdays or anniversary, or I would grab his favorite candy bar or snack while out running errands. We did do big things ou our 5th. We went to a B&B for one night in Courdlane, ID. And on our 10th we did the B&B thing for two nights in Leavenworth, WA. Both lots and lots of fun. So we would have prolly done 3 nights somewhere for our 20th. Ya, we were big spenders like that. =)

This year I am doing something special. I am going to pay off our house. Dan and I both dreamed of one day owning our house outright and therefore not having to be in debt to anyone. Something we both could not stand. So I know he would be so proud of our owning our own house and that his kids will always have a roof over their heads.

Today is going to be hard. I just don't know how hard. People ask what they can do? What do I need? The answer is, "I just don't know." I have not figured that part out yet. I will let you know if I ever do."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Things you don't want to hear...

when you are laying in bed and a seven year old and 2 five year olds have run of the house.

i don't think that is suppose to get wet.

the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut.

it's okay, mom doesn't mind. (i have found when this is said, i usually do mind)

shhhh. we don't want her to get out of bed.

by then you are no longer asleep, nor do you wish to stay in bed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

nuthin' much

not a whole heck of a lot going on. or i guess i should rephrase that. there is nothing noteworthy going on here.

kids driving me nuts but they are also driving eachother nuts. why does every summer end this way. the last two weeks are just hell. it is like we are so tired of seeing eachothers faces. breathing eachothers air. STOP BREATHING MY AIR!

I am getting daniel and ike ready for a camp out. they are both super excited because this will be Ike's first camp out. i already frisked him and allowed him to only bring ONE knife. so of course i will be needed to frisk him again one more time before he gets into the scoutmasters truck. it is really in everyone's best intrest that i do this.

we have been trying to squeeze in as much time at the pool as possible too. in fact i am just trying to keep the kids out of the house. we tend to do better when we can put a bit of space between us.

back to schoo shopping is done for all the boys. just need to get the girlies their clothes, and lets be honest, they are so much more fun to shop for.

i am pretty caught up on what i can do around the house and yard until we some out buildings fixed. so i am sorta in a holding pattern with that.

so there ya go. my day in a nutshell. =)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Appt. #2

So I went to my second appointment. I really did not want to go. I was running late, they had the end of my street blocked from construction, they had the freeway down to two lanes so it was backed up. I mean really, I should have just turned around and gone back home!

But I knew if i headed back home the five little rugrats would be waited for me along with whatever disaster they were just about to cause. Talk about motivation.

She asked if I did my homework and what I thought of it. I told her I did it. I thought it sucked. And I never want to do something like that again. My homework was to take an hour a day to grieve (never did that) journal about my feelings (i would much rather ignore them and hope they figure it out on their own) and list the happy and sad times of my marriage. Like I said, this homework SUCKED!!

She said, "hmmmm. perhaps we need to try a new direction." We talked a lot about my anxiety. It has totally spiraled out of control. I have to keep moving all day long. Zipping from one chore to the next. I am exhausted, but I literally cannot stop moving. I am so short and crabby with my kids and just about anyone else that gets in the way of my routine. I told her I am totally parenting by fear. I am so scared that I am going to screw up my children. So I need to get myself to calm down. Shut down the adrenalin that is zipping through my system. This week my homework is to do deep breathing exercises when I feel an attack coming on and also before I go to bed. See if I can get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. I am much more comfortable dealing with the deep breathing. The only thing I worry about is that if i get too relaxed my routine will go to hell. Well apparently you can get to caught up in a routine. It is a form of OCD. If it dictates your life, causes you panic when it gets disrupted, and controls how you interact with others then it is not a routine, it is an illness. I told her all I want to do is get caught up on everything and then I will relax. As many of you know this is what I have been telling myself since Dan died. (it still hurts to type that) And I have added so many things to my list that really I can never get caught up. I have set myself up for failure. This all sounds well and good. I know what I am doing to myself. But I cannot stop it. Not just yet. I still have a few more things I need to get done. The van still has water stains, I have two more loads of laundry left to do, the boys room is a disaster.........but really, when I get those things done then, then I can relax. Right?
My mother in law is a wonderful lady. She wants me to get involved in things that will bring me joy. Hobbies and what not. The thought of trying to find time for me to do a hobby made me have to start my deep breathing exercises. I got nauseous. I quickly changed the subject into where we were going to go shopping today and what we needed to get at each store. Back to my carefully pre-planned list. Deep Breath.

So yesterday I started my .05 mg of xanax. I take one before bed everynight. I will see my therapist in one week. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Things Guys can do but Women can't

Wear black knee highs with shorts.

Not comb hair. It is called the "mussed" look. thank you Robert Pattinson.

Go vintage by pulling out there favorite shirt from college. We have to go shopping at "vintage" stores and spend lots of $$ to get the same look.

Can wear socks with sandals.

Adjust themselves in public and we have to ignore it.

Pick their nose

Have hair sprouting out of odd places

Wear t-shirts that have their belly sticking out of the bottom

Eat deep fried meat five meals a day


Discussing the size, color, and nature of their poop

Have acne

If they don't like their hair they can just shave their heads.

* fart in public and think it is funny

*carry on a whole conversation with just the word "Dude"

* Pee standing up

* Go without shaving for that rugged look.

um, that is all i can think of at this time. please feel free to add suggestions and i am sure i will continue adding as the day goes.

*christy olsen

Monday, August 23, 2010


I have started counseling last week at the "um, urging" of my father. which means he got growlie with me.

I had used LDS family services before and was more comfortable going back to them before I tried anyone else.

From my first appt. I can tell you this. I am not a fan. It is going to make me deal with this. See I cannot even say what I am dealing with. I am given homework I am suppose to do. My appointment is tomorrow. I have still not done the homework. Well I did part of it. I read some of the article, but then it got too hard so I stopped reading. My goal is to finish reading and have my homework done before tomorrow. I do know I am struggling. I can see how each day is getting harder and harder for me to keep up my manic pace. I am so, so tired. But if I allow myself to lay in bed I will stay there for hours because I am so overwhelmed.

I read through the first page of this article and saw that I was doing everything on the list of things that I am NOT suppose to do. Oops. I am suppose to stop these habits. I am learning it is much easier said than done. Dang-it!! I cannot slow down. And I am miserable at this pace. Funny, you would just think, "then stop. watch a movie, read a book, veg on the couch." I cannot. My anxiety is off the charts. My fight or flight has gotten out of control. At some point I have to acknowledge my husband is dead and that all the routines in the world are going to make it okay. hmmm, I wonder if I can create a new routine that will help me accept that fact?

well I am really procrastinating doing my homework by writing on my blog. so adios. maybe.....

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

tent conversations

The following conversations were overheard from our tent. Initials have been used to protect the privacy of the participants.

The following conversation took place when they were changing into their swim trunks. I am pretty sure that J was banned from all other changing times.

J to F; "You have hair in your armpits."
F; "Yup."
J to D: "do you have hair in your armpits"
D; "Yup."
J; "Can I see it?"
D; "Nope. I am currently using my hands to cover up other hairy places."
J; "Huh. Well look what I can do with my armpits." Too which he proceeded to do armpit farts. And he is really quite good at it.

This conversation took place in the evening when the boys just got back from swimming and were desperate to get into warmer clothes.

D to F; "If you don't turn around and I don't turn around, I think we can get the done with our dignity still intact and not taking our friendship to an uncomfortable next level. Deal?
F; " uh, ya!"

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Bear

Went camping this week up at Outlet Bay. Same place we have been going to for the past ten years. Ten years of seeing moose, snakes, squirrel, deer and bats. But this year will be always remembered, and this is why........

There is an up side to being paralyzed with fear. It keeps you from doing anything stupid. Such as, running around the tent screaming, "THERE IS A BEAR OUTSIDE MY TENT!!", because it was 2:30 in the morning and most of the children were asleep. In fact I was also blissfully asleep, that is until my mom kept kicking me. By the third time she whispered threateningly, as only a mother can, "wake up. there is a bear outside our tent." I listened for a bit because honestly, this is a woman that can freak out over having a bat in her bedroom. geesh. Sure enough I heard it. That is when the fear kicked in. Then it started to wander closer to my side of the tent. the side that has by two precious girls sleeping. That is when I started to vibrate. No, not just quiver in fear, but a full on, un-controlable vibrate. My mom opened the front flap just to peek. She surmised it was a brown bear. GREAT!! This particular brown bear was asthmatic, at least that is the conclusion I came to from it's heavy breathing that was right by MY HEAD, or it had another sideline of work making obscene phone calls to park rangers. I almost took pity on him and threw out one of Anna's inhalers for him to try, but with the lack of thumbs and all......
So after we heard it saunter off, because a bear never has to really be in a hurry to be anywhere. Heck, they could probably saunter their way through Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to check the damage. Here is a list of food that a bear will and will not eat.

Good Food:
Spinach, Artichoke & Parmesan cheese dip
Cottage cheese
Butter. Lots and lots of butter. Don't expect them to un-wrap it.

Bad Food:
Cooked Rice
Breaded Chicken
Pure Maple Syrup (this one shocked me)

Who knew bears were so picky? Not I. So my mom and I, Daniel and his buddy, Jacob gathered up all the food that was scattered around and threw it in the fire pit. I could not get that fire lit fast enough. When Daniel saw that he had gotten into the dips he declared war against "the bear" and threatened to shove a "black cat" up it's butt next time he sees him. (i highly doubt that) anyways, I am a highly visual person and did not know that a Black Cat was a type of firework. Lemme tell you, my imagination ran with that picture and with either Black Cat it did not bode well for Daniel, the bear, or the poor black cat. Now I know this is all bluffing on Daniel's part because this scared the pee right outta three of the four witnesses. One witness, who shall remain nameless because she is writing this blog, was too scared to even pee. The two boys found the nearest tree and watered it. Why did it have to be the nearest tree?

Now before you panic first let me tell you this was totally our fault. We forgot to put away our cooler. We had been so good of burning all our trash and food scraps every night but that night we just totally flaked out putting the cooler back in the van. Lemme tell you, we so remembered to do that the following night! And will always remember from now on. Secondly, I do have a gun and I have been taught how to load and use it. I did not have said gun with me at the time, but I had the key to the gun safe on my key chain! Yes, it is two hours away. But the bear does not know that. DUH. So I figured if he showed up again I will just have to show him I have the potential to become armed. I am sure he will pick up where I am going with this, grab some more butter and saunter away.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I dare ya!

I dare you to try to use the bathroom in my house. It is almost impossible.

I go in, two seconds later....

Knock,knock. "Mommy, I need you to pour me a cup of milk" states 5 yr old.

Me, "I am sorta busy right now."

5yr old, " I need you to pour me a cup of milk."

Me, "WAIT!"

Knock, Knock. " Mommy when will I get a loose tooth too?" states other 5 yr old.

Me, "When your teeth are ready to come out."

Other 5 yr old, " yes, but when?"

Me, "sigh"

Knock, knock, "Mommy, who is older?" asks first 5 yr old.

Me, "groan."

"Mommy! I am older aren't I"

*now to be honest with you, my daughters voices sound the same to me. so i could not tell who was asking."

knock, knock. "Mommy? are you still in there?"

Only because the window is too small to climb through, my dear.

and so my two minutes of peace are over.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Don't ask me

Because I can almost guarantee you that I don't know.

I am fine if it is the day to day stuff like,
Did you vacuum the floor?

Does the laundry need to be switched over?

Have you brushed your teeth?

Well you get the idea. But if you ask,

What are you wearing today?

What needs to get done?

Why are you doing that?

Do you want to get together later and do something? Well the answer to that one really is obvious..NO! I really hate to leave my house and kids. The guilt is too much. Then there is the worry of getting out of my simple routine that is keeping me together that sends me in a panic. So the answer to that question is NO.

I do have my list that I keep with me at all times that has things I need go get done for the day. There are things that I should put on the list and deal with, but won't. In fact the thought of making decisions make me sick to my stomach. I have a day today that I have to venture out and buy things. I am so sick right now I really want to just go lay in bed for the day and hope it all goes to plan without me having to be a part of it.

I was not always this way. I was the go to and get it done kind of person. But then I got slammed in the decision making process.

Another x-ray? Yes!

Intubate? Yes!

Cannot find meds. Do we substitute? Yes!

Can we test for AIDS? Yes!

Do we do an ultrasound of his heart? yes.

Do we regulate his temp. because he body no longer can? yes.

Do we add more machines in to do the work because his organs are shutting down? yes.

Do we trash the kidneys and start dialysis? Ummmm

Have you started the application for foodstamps? Ummmmm

Did you finish the application for Emergency Medicaid? Ummmm

Have you contacted SSI? Ummmm.

Do we let him live with a feeding tube and trach? Ummmmm

Is it time to let go? Ummmmm

We need to plan the funeral. What would you like? Ummmmm

Where is the paperwork for the house? Ummmm

Do you have your last three years tax forms? Ummmm

We need you to close your husbands business. Ummmmmm

It is time to clean out stuff. Ummmm

Time to get back to your routine. Ummmmm

So if I could hire someone to just follow me around and answer all the questions that people need to know the answer to I would love it. I will pay you double if you answer all the kids questions too.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A short story by Ike

The following story was written by Ike at church, as he sat on the pew, next to me.

Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.

By Isaac Brown

In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"

The End

Monday, August 2, 2010

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for....

Just because they seem to have it all together. Right there is red flag #1.

I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell,
" You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.

Friday, July 30, 2010


I had my first massage tonight.

I am not comfortable being naked around myself, so with a complete stranger is not really my idea of relaxing. I cheated, I kept my underwear on. (yes mom, they were clean.)

They had a mint on the pillow and as the massage started I really wanted to offer it to the nice lady so I would not have to smell her hot, stinky breath. I left it behind when I left hoping she would take the subtle hint.

The massage itself went fine. I did not know what to do with my arms as I laid there. Not the first time for that. I tried several different possitions never quite finding my happy place. I think it had alot to do with the fact that I am NAKED with a strange women. I guess it is better than a strange man. I guess strange is the wrong word to use here. Strange implies that she might have 3 arms or a third eye somewhere other than their head. I should say instead that this is a woman I do not know on a personal level. And frankly I think I am going to keep our relashionship that way. I know if I see her some place else I will pretend I don't know her. Just like my gynocologist.

All in all I really did like it. It was very relaxing and I am so well oiled I thought might slide right off the leather seats of her car. I drank my proper amount of water so now I will be up all night peeing, in the bathroom of course, and very relaxed as I do so. Thank you so much Diane!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

i just don't think these things will ever get easier

Before I call it a night i go and check on all my sleeping babies. Why is it that children looks so much more adorable asleep? They are all warm and fluffy. Anyways, as I kiss them each goodnight and tuck a stray arm or leg. I can feel Dan's presence so strongly. I can feel how much he misses them and it is so hard for me to leave their room. It is like I feel like I need to give them extra kisses and brush the hair off their eyes and linger longer just for Dan. It is so hard that I actually dread going into their rooms. I think of all the goodnights kisses he will miss. And then I go into my bedroom, throw myself on the bed and sob, then tell myself to suck it up, read my book until the Tylenol kicks in.

I hated my son's court of honor that he had earlier this month. Isn't that awful! I felt terrible for having those feelings, but it could not get over fast enough. I hate watching all these fathers slap their sons on the back and tell them good job. I hate seeing the pride in their eyes and I wonder how am I going to do this whole "mother" thing. I find myself second guessing all the time, beating myself up at night for all the harsh things I did or said. Wondering if Dan would have liked me to handle it differently. What do you do when you don't have another spouse to blame for all the mistakes?

I cannot stand being called a widow. I think of myself a strong person, not one to show emotion but that damn word brings me to tears and it friggen ticks me off! I dunno if it is part of my fun little game of denile that I am participated in or what. But if you want to stay on my good side you will NEVER utter that word in my presence.

Um, well that is all for tonights rant. Have a good evening and thank you for tuning in to our program.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

And now another poem by IKE

Public Bathrooms
By Isaac Brown
they swish
they swash
they overflow alot.
when you poop they start to schwoop
when you pee they riccochet you see
it's not something really hot
yep, it's that good ol' public pot.

things that make me keep having to take Tylenol PM

1. Jakey is turning 8 this year in November.

For LDS this is a time in a child's life that they get baptized. It is a very big deal for us. The father is the one that does the baptism and the confirmation blessing, which puts their childs name on the records of the church, and gives them the gift of the Holy Ghost to be with them always. It is something fathers really look forward to doing along with giving their sons the power of the priesthood when they turn 12.

2. Who is going to teach Daniel how to shave.

Unless he want to learn to shave his legs and armpits, I am at a loss.

3. Annual Father Son campout that our church puts on.

Need I say more?

4. Advanced math.

Meaning anything beyond multipication and division.

5. Daddy Daughter dances.

Well if i am being perfectly honest......Dan could not dance. It may be for the best that the girls are spared from watching that.

6. Are there any good movies out there where a loved one does not die??

West Side Story....out
Dear John......out
Out of Africa.....out

well I gotta get the kid off to the drs. then off to do more manual labor. up note, patio should be done by the time the sun sets on today.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

it is time

i was told this would help.

getting it all out.

i was really holding it all together for about a month.

and by holding it all together i mean keeping myself so busy i would fall into bed completely exhausted every night.

seems that this all caught up with me on July 23.

One month after my sweetheart and father to our five children died suddenly.

i am setting the table tonight,

for six

instead of seven.

the table seems so huge now.

i am doing the best i can to not cry all the time.

but i really feel like i could.

and it seems silly to me to cry over something that cannot be changed

i fear if i start crying i may never stop

and i will become one of those mothers that spend days in bed

and the children will be left to take care of themselves

i will not allow myself to be that woman

that is not how i was brought up

you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and you deal with the hand you are dealt.

i am just trying to figure out how to deal with this hand. turns out i suck at playing cards.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

And now another poem by IKE

by Isaac
Everything is visable since I have my eyes.
Without them I could not see a cherry on a pie.
Neither could I look at a daisy in the spring,
or see my Dad's chest hair blowing in the breeze,
or watch a scary movie
or my doggie take a poopie
or my Mom when she is mad
or my brother's vision of rad
which is why I am proud to say,
I poked them out yesterday.

Friday, July 16, 2010


My sister,Regina, came up from Utah to visit last week. I had a morning that I needed to run errands to she very kindly took the kids to Manito Park for a picnic and to explore all the gardens there.

This first picture I shall call "OUCH!" Jakey attempted to slide down the railing. I use the word attempted because he was not sucessful. In fact Aunt Regina had to come rescue him off the railing. As you can see there was quite a bit if binding in the buttocks area.
The girls pretending to be gargoyles protecting the entrance to the park. I think they look quite fierce.
Rolling down the hill. Need I say more?

Then they finished the tour with a "zen" moment in the Japanese Gardens. I love the look on Ella's, Regina's youngest, face. She has learned to never close your eyes with the twins so close.

It was a sucessful visit, although way too short! my kids offered plenty of fodder for her blog and really, who could ask for anything more than that?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

And now for another Poem By Ike


By Issac


Vroom,Vroom, Squish

They run back and forth

like a rider on a horse

Some go pop and stop

Others honk alot

When a pedestrian gets out, run

You should see it's really fun

For instance, I had a little sister

And I still don't even miss her.

I think we can all see how Isaac passed the fifth grade. Complete and total fear by his teacher.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ike's Arrow of Light and Crossing Over Ceremony

My baby boy is no longer a cub scout. As of June 18th he crossed over into Boy Scouts. I was so so proud of him and wished his Dad could of seen it. Our pack does a really great Arrow of Light ceremony for the boys. They have an Apache Indian chief come in and tell them the story behind the "arrow of light" and why it is so important to earn. They have drummers playing in the background the whole time and they are all dressed in full Apache garb.

Ike was part of the flag ceremony along with the other two boys that were crossing over with him that day.

Here the chief is telling the story of the young brave who wanted to become a mighty warrior.

Ike's face paint.

The chief gave Ike a special medicine pouch full of ashes, healing stones, and herbs to help is dad feel better. Ike made sure his dad was buried with it.

Each boy is given a handmade arrow. It is beautiful and now mounted up in his room along with the one our friend Paulino made for him and the one his brother, Daniel, earned on his crossing over.

It was such a special night and I was so glad that my Dad and Mom and baby sister, Linda, and her two kiddos were able to be there. Next year I ship Ike off to scout camp with Daniel. I know they are both looking forward to it, and I am looking forward to the break!!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Fourth of July!

Sure anyone can do fireworks on the fourth of july, but what about catching your own dinner? Ike found his "happy place" and caught seven fish yesterday! He was so pleased, he cannot wait to get back down there again. I am afraid he has caught the "fishing bug."
Jakey's approach is a bit different. He tries to coax them onto the hook.

Dinner time!!
Daniel took a short break from blowing things up to visit us at the crick.

Jakey sharing some of his fishing wisdom with his grandpa Reneer.
Jakey's first and only catch of the day. I love the smile on his face!!

Mother Nature provided the lightshow in the evening.

It was a fantastic fourth but we all missed Daddy so, so much. Especially me when I had to pull hook after hook out of the fishes mouths. GAH!!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Gardner Caves

For the first Saturday of the summer I took the kids up to Gardner Caves. I have fond memories of going up there as a kid and thought I would share those memories with my children. What a stupid mistake!! Actually after all the barfing we did have a good time.
Anna was a bit unsure when she saw the stairs we would have to climb to get down.
We had to wait 45 minutes for our tour. Because we were such a large group we got to go all by ourselves.

The kids really got into it. I was so happy for how respectful they were and that they asked questions (ones that did not have to do with death or dismemberment) relative to the cave and its surroundings.

Some of the stalagtites are huge and millions of years old.

Walking back out of the cave. It is a cool 41 degrees all year round down there so it felt good to get back into the sunshine.

It is a short 1/4 mile hike to the Canadian border so after the tour we went on up. You can see in the background the border. I thought it was cool how they keep it clear.

Afterwards we had a well deserved lunch, seeing how most purged their stomachs on the way up. My mom and dad came along for the ride. I put my mom in charge of making sandwiches for the crew. SHE FORGOT!! one thing, just one thing!! and she forgot!! luckily we had lots of chips and licorice and rice cakes.

It was a great trip and i cannot wait to take them up to Boundry Dam next!!