Friday, July 30, 2010


I had my first massage tonight.

I am not comfortable being naked around myself, so with a complete stranger is not really my idea of relaxing. I cheated, I kept my underwear on. (yes mom, they were clean.)

They had a mint on the pillow and as the massage started I really wanted to offer it to the nice lady so I would not have to smell her hot, stinky breath. I left it behind when I left hoping she would take the subtle hint.

The massage itself went fine. I did not know what to do with my arms as I laid there. Not the first time for that. I tried several different possitions never quite finding my happy place. I think it had alot to do with the fact that I am NAKED with a strange women. I guess it is better than a strange man. I guess strange is the wrong word to use here. Strange implies that she might have 3 arms or a third eye somewhere other than their head. I should say instead that this is a woman I do not know on a personal level. And frankly I think I am going to keep our relashionship that way. I know if I see her some place else I will pretend I don't know her. Just like my gynocologist.

All in all I really did like it. It was very relaxing and I am so well oiled I thought might slide right off the leather seats of her car. I drank my proper amount of water so now I will be up all night peeing, in the bathroom of course, and very relaxed as I do so. Thank you so much Diane!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

i just don't think these things will ever get easier

Before I call it a night i go and check on all my sleeping babies. Why is it that children looks so much more adorable asleep? They are all warm and fluffy. Anyways, as I kiss them each goodnight and tuck a stray arm or leg. I can feel Dan's presence so strongly. I can feel how much he misses them and it is so hard for me to leave their room. It is like I feel like I need to give them extra kisses and brush the hair off their eyes and linger longer just for Dan. It is so hard that I actually dread going into their rooms. I think of all the goodnights kisses he will miss. And then I go into my bedroom, throw myself on the bed and sob, then tell myself to suck it up, read my book until the Tylenol kicks in.

I hated my son's court of honor that he had earlier this month. Isn't that awful! I felt terrible for having those feelings, but it could not get over fast enough. I hate watching all these fathers slap their sons on the back and tell them good job. I hate seeing the pride in their eyes and I wonder how am I going to do this whole "mother" thing. I find myself second guessing all the time, beating myself up at night for all the harsh things I did or said. Wondering if Dan would have liked me to handle it differently. What do you do when you don't have another spouse to blame for all the mistakes?

I cannot stand being called a widow. I think of myself a strong person, not one to show emotion but that damn word brings me to tears and it friggen ticks me off! I dunno if it is part of my fun little game of denile that I am participated in or what. But if you want to stay on my good side you will NEVER utter that word in my presence.

Um, well that is all for tonights rant. Have a good evening and thank you for tuning in to our program.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

And now another poem by IKE

Public Bathrooms
By Isaac Brown
they swish
they swash
they overflow alot.
when you poop they start to schwoop
when you pee they riccochet you see
it's not something really hot
yep, it's that good ol' public pot.

things that make me keep having to take Tylenol PM

1. Jakey is turning 8 this year in November.

For LDS this is a time in a child's life that they get baptized. It is a very big deal for us. The father is the one that does the baptism and the confirmation blessing, which puts their childs name on the records of the church, and gives them the gift of the Holy Ghost to be with them always. It is something fathers really look forward to doing along with giving their sons the power of the priesthood when they turn 12.

2. Who is going to teach Daniel how to shave.

Unless he want to learn to shave his legs and armpits, I am at a loss.

3. Annual Father Son campout that our church puts on.

Need I say more?

4. Advanced math.

Meaning anything beyond multipication and division.

5. Daddy Daughter dances.

Well if i am being perfectly honest......Dan could not dance. It may be for the best that the girls are spared from watching that.

6. Are there any good movies out there where a loved one does not die??

West Side Story....out
Dear John......out
Out of Africa.....out

well I gotta get the kid off to the drs. then off to do more manual labor. up note, patio should be done by the time the sun sets on today.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

it is time

i was told this would help.

getting it all out.

i was really holding it all together for about a month.

and by holding it all together i mean keeping myself so busy i would fall into bed completely exhausted every night.

seems that this all caught up with me on July 23.

One month after my sweetheart and father to our five children died suddenly.

i am setting the table tonight,

for six

instead of seven.

the table seems so huge now.

i am doing the best i can to not cry all the time.

but i really feel like i could.

and it seems silly to me to cry over something that cannot be changed

i fear if i start crying i may never stop

and i will become one of those mothers that spend days in bed

and the children will be left to take care of themselves

i will not allow myself to be that woman

that is not how i was brought up

you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and you deal with the hand you are dealt.

i am just trying to figure out how to deal with this hand. turns out i suck at playing cards.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

And now another poem by IKE

by Isaac
Everything is visable since I have my eyes.
Without them I could not see a cherry on a pie.
Neither could I look at a daisy in the spring,
or see my Dad's chest hair blowing in the breeze,
or watch a scary movie
or my doggie take a poopie
or my Mom when she is mad
or my brother's vision of rad
which is why I am proud to say,
I poked them out yesterday.

Friday, July 16, 2010


My sister,Regina, came up from Utah to visit last week. I had a morning that I needed to run errands to she very kindly took the kids to Manito Park for a picnic and to explore all the gardens there.

This first picture I shall call "OUCH!" Jakey attempted to slide down the railing. I use the word attempted because he was not sucessful. In fact Aunt Regina had to come rescue him off the railing. As you can see there was quite a bit if binding in the buttocks area.
The girls pretending to be gargoyles protecting the entrance to the park. I think they look quite fierce.
Rolling down the hill. Need I say more?

Then they finished the tour with a "zen" moment in the Japanese Gardens. I love the look on Ella's, Regina's youngest, face. She has learned to never close your eyes with the twins so close.

It was a sucessful visit, although way too short! my kids offered plenty of fodder for her blog and really, who could ask for anything more than that?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

And now for another Poem By Ike


By Issac


Vroom,Vroom, Squish

They run back and forth

like a rider on a horse

Some go pop and stop

Others honk alot

When a pedestrian gets out, run

You should see it's really fun

For instance, I had a little sister

And I still don't even miss her.

I think we can all see how Isaac passed the fifth grade. Complete and total fear by his teacher.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ike's Arrow of Light and Crossing Over Ceremony

My baby boy is no longer a cub scout. As of June 18th he crossed over into Boy Scouts. I was so so proud of him and wished his Dad could of seen it. Our pack does a really great Arrow of Light ceremony for the boys. They have an Apache Indian chief come in and tell them the story behind the "arrow of light" and why it is so important to earn. They have drummers playing in the background the whole time and they are all dressed in full Apache garb.

Ike was part of the flag ceremony along with the other two boys that were crossing over with him that day.

Here the chief is telling the story of the young brave who wanted to become a mighty warrior.

Ike's face paint.

The chief gave Ike a special medicine pouch full of ashes, healing stones, and herbs to help is dad feel better. Ike made sure his dad was buried with it.

Each boy is given a handmade arrow. It is beautiful and now mounted up in his room along with the one our friend Paulino made for him and the one his brother, Daniel, earned on his crossing over.

It was such a special night and I was so glad that my Dad and Mom and baby sister, Linda, and her two kiddos were able to be there. Next year I ship Ike off to scout camp with Daniel. I know they are both looking forward to it, and I am looking forward to the break!!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Fourth of July!

Sure anyone can do fireworks on the fourth of july, but what about catching your own dinner? Ike found his "happy place" and caught seven fish yesterday! He was so pleased, he cannot wait to get back down there again. I am afraid he has caught the "fishing bug."
Jakey's approach is a bit different. He tries to coax them onto the hook.

Dinner time!!
Daniel took a short break from blowing things up to visit us at the crick.

Jakey sharing some of his fishing wisdom with his grandpa Reneer.
Jakey's first and only catch of the day. I love the smile on his face!!

Mother Nature provided the lightshow in the evening.

It was a fantastic fourth but we all missed Daddy so, so much. Especially me when I had to pull hook after hook out of the fishes mouths. GAH!!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Gardner Caves

For the first Saturday of the summer I took the kids up to Gardner Caves. I have fond memories of going up there as a kid and thought I would share those memories with my children. What a stupid mistake!! Actually after all the barfing we did have a good time.
Anna was a bit unsure when she saw the stairs we would have to climb to get down.
We had to wait 45 minutes for our tour. Because we were such a large group we got to go all by ourselves.

The kids really got into it. I was so happy for how respectful they were and that they asked questions (ones that did not have to do with death or dismemberment) relative to the cave and its surroundings.

Some of the stalagtites are huge and millions of years old.

Walking back out of the cave. It is a cool 41 degrees all year round down there so it felt good to get back into the sunshine.

It is a short 1/4 mile hike to the Canadian border so after the tour we went on up. You can see in the background the border. I thought it was cool how they keep it clear.

Afterwards we had a well deserved lunch, seeing how most purged their stomachs on the way up. My mom and dad came along for the ride. I put my mom in charge of making sandwiches for the crew. SHE FORGOT!! one thing, just one thing!! and she forgot!! luckily we had lots of chips and licorice and rice cakes.

It was a great trip and i cannot wait to take them up to Boundry Dam next!!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Pukefest 2010

We decided to kick off summer vacation with a trip to Gardner Caves up by the canadian border. It takes about 2 hours to get there, which is about 1 hours and 50 minutes longer than Daniel's stomach could handle. We had a vanload of kids that day. Daniel and his buddy were in the farthest back seat. (I prefer to stick the smelliest ones farthest away from my nose.)

The last leg of the trip takes place on a very narrow and winding road. We were stuck behind a car full of senior citizens out for a leisurly drive that consisted of them going 40 miles per hour. Daniel's buddy informed us that Daniel looked like he was about to, "blow chunks." This brought a sense of urgency to the last leg of our trip. I desided to pass the cadillac. Well the acceleration and turning at the same time was all that Daniel's stomach needed. I look back to see Daniel's head pressed against the back window. The people that got the real show were the old folks that we passed.
We had only 5 minutes left of our jounrey by then. It took some time for the smell to work it's way up to the front of the van. When it did it set off Anna's tummy and she was next to blow. Luckily by this time we were in the parking lot of the park so we were able to get her out and cleaned up soon, but then Jakey's little buddy kneeled in it getting out of the van. UGH!! But being the wonderful mom that I am I had plenty of wipes to clean up the floor, kids and then to tackle the back door and back bumper, which had it's own lake of vomit. After that we had a lovely day! No one else got sick and we all had a fantastic time. I will blog about Garnder Caves later.