Before I call it a night i go and check on all my sleeping babies. Why is it that children looks so much more adorable asleep? They are all warm and fluffy. Anyways, as I kiss them each goodnight and tuck a stray arm or leg. I can feel Dan's presence so strongly. I can feel how much he misses them and it is so hard for me to leave their room. It is like I feel like I need to give them extra kisses and brush the hair off their eyes and linger longer just for Dan. It is so hard that I actually dread going into their rooms. I think of all the goodnights kisses he will miss. And then I go into my bedroom, throw myself on the bed and sob, then tell myself to suck it up, read my book until the Tylenol kicks in.
I hated my son's court of honor that he had earlier this month. Isn't that awful! I felt terrible for having those feelings, but it could not get over fast enough. I hate watching all these fathers slap their sons on the back and tell them good job. I hate seeing the pride in their eyes and I wonder how am I going to do this whole "mother" thing. I find myself second guessing all the time, beating myself up at night for all the harsh things I did or said. Wondering if Dan would have liked me to handle it differently. What do you do when you don't have another spouse to blame for all the mistakes?
I cannot stand being called a widow. I think of myself a strong person, not one to show emotion but that damn word brings me to tears and it friggen ticks me off! I dunno if it is part of my fun little game of denile that I am participated in or what. But if you want to stay on my good side you will NEVER utter that word in my presence.
Um, well that is all for tonights rant. Have a good evening and thank you for tuning in to our program.