Sunday, October 24, 2010

warning, this post includes wine.

well more like whine.

I have had a roller coaster of a week. I really thought I was getting better at coping, but then we did our annual family pictures. Some kids really struggled with it and as the photo shoot when on I started to notice the gap in my family more and more. By the end it was all I could do to not break down in front of the kids.

Then Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to watch my friend's kids while she and her husband took out their endowments and got sealed in the temple. I loved watching her girls. They are just wonderful. But I was shocked at the gaping hole that got opened up in my chest when I dressed myself in my whites to go into the sealing room with the girls (I got to hold the baby!) It hurt, physically hurt. I felt awful because here was there special day, and I was a mess. By the end it was all I could do to get out of that building and into my car! I had to pull myself together for the kids. I feel like that is all have been doing this week. Just pulling it together. Well today I couldn't. My heart was broken all over again. I physically hurt. The whole in my chest was tore open all over again and refused to be covered. I am a mess. I fell into bed and hid. Called my in-laws to pinch hit for me. I could not even pull it together enough for to take care of my kids. My mother in law had to drag me out of bed. I did not go willingly. I would much rather sleep through this until morning and wake up and start my routine again.

I did not realise how lucky I was to have someone tell me I am doing a good job, or that I look beautiful today, or that took me no matter what or at least look at me with love. Not the way a child looks at their mother, or the way a mother looks at her daughter. It is a different kind of love. With out that I am losing confidence in myself, I doubt myself a lot, and in general just feel and look like crap. Now, I know I cannot expect someone to give me back my confidence about me, that is something I am going to have to find in myself. I just don't want to. I would much rather wallow in self-pity, thank-you very much.

so right now I hurt, it is fresh, it is open and it sucks. Please let this pass quickly. Please,please,please.


  1. I don't know what to say, except don't kick yourself so much. It's OKAY to fall apart sometimes. It's OKAY for your kids to know that this is hard, really hard, for you too. It's OKAY to ask for help.

    Still praying for you,

    Katie Reng

  2. i read a story about a month ago and the woman said the interesting thing about grief is that you think it is over but it never is. that for the grieving person, for a split second when you first open your eyes you can pretend in that first second that all is well and then the hurt hits you like a brick. every day. the book was fiction but it has made me think of you over and over and over. no one can take this jenn and for that my heart physically hurts for you. i cannot even begin to say 'oh i understand jenn.' because i don't. i can't imagine the hurt you feel or when it hits your again like a punch in the stomach. i can't imagine it. jenn, it is ok to let the kids see you cry. they need to see you cry and know how much you love and miss their dad and your husband. i feel like crying just thinking of you. you have 5 siblings who would take this pain from you in a second and no one would do it more dramatically than ricky and i wish with all my heart we could.

  3. ((((Jenn)))) may you feel all the love and comfort our Heavenly Father has for you. Someday your kids are going to look back on their upbringing and realize what an amazing Mom they have! I think it is amazing you are able to ask for help when you really need it. I bet it is cathartic for your MIL to help a little more with the kids from time to time!!

  4. Jenn we felt so blessed to have you there on our special day and I wouldn't have had it any other way! Lots of love and thanks for all of your help- it was through your help that everything went so smoothly.

  5. christy, i would do it all over again if you asked me to. i was so happy to be there for your family