Monday, February 28, 2011

Emotional Mess

This March I get to have my sister in law, Jenna come for a visit. I am very excited. Well the weather is starting to get better, at least it was before this last snow storm. So figured with all of Dan's sisters in town I would make the arrangments to place his headstone that Tyler and Daniel made for me for christmas.

Well between calling the Brown family and cemetery (a lot) getting everything arranged for the placement, (who knew you had to do so much?) I have been very emotional lately. I tear up easily. It seems like the girls are really missing their daddy a lot lately too. They are needing lots of snuggles and daddy stories. Which is reeking havoc on my emotions that are floating around just below the surface. I am finding myself having to censor my thoughts more so lately so i don't appear to cry at just random times.

But on the other hand, i am so glad we can do this while Jenna is here. And i will be happy that dan will be able to have a proper headstone now instead of just that little marker. granted it would be best if i did not have to go and place a headstone at my husbands grave in the first place because it would mean that he was still here with us.

okay, that is all i can type right now.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Happy 15th Birthday Daniel

Well Daniel managed to drag out his birthday for a whole week. Started off on Feb. 12 with a birthday party with the Brown's.

Then on the 18th we loaded up a handfull of friends and I set them off in the woods to campout for the night

And finally on the 21st we went to Cabelas to get him the fishing gear he wanted for his birthday and then that evening had the Christensens over for Turtle Cheesecake. His favorite pie.

Here they are all loaded up and ready for adventure.

They went out to the Reneer's to camp out. The boys had to haul in their gear by sled.

Came back the following day to pick them up and found this lump on my mom's couch.
The rest were outside enjoying the beautiful day and snowmobiling.

Next kids turn.
Daniel very kindly took his sisters for a ride. Anna went first and took the "hold on tight" rule very seriously.

Maria went next. I will post a video of her ride in a bit.

Thank you Grandpa and Bumpski for giving Daniel a fantastic birthday with his friends. The boys all had so much fun they are already planning another camp out next month.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Daniel had to write is own autobiography.....that is all i can say.

Feb, 21,1996, I was born, and the general quality of life everywhere improved.
I have been a demolitions guy from birth and even before my first birthday I had literally shattered every piece of fine china my mother has ever possessed. I also possessed an excellent taste for politics, as evidence I immediately killed the only other rival for my affections at age two, when I recognized my moms 15 year old palm tree as such.

I was a fairly na├»ve child and in the fist grade spent ten minutes with my middle fingers raised and pointed at the teacher asking her repeatedly what it meant. Why was my interest in that field of sign language piqued? It was because one of my fellow detainees in Mrs. Baughers first grade class flew the bird and was taken away. I wondered what it meant and was eventually given the answer. ****. This is what she screamed at me just as I was starting to leave. Needless to say she was taken out of teaching for what the principle called a: “potty mouth.” I tried to get several other teachers fired in this same manner but this merely got me in deep trouble.

More recently was two summers ago when I got my first “real job”! This was merely a small time job with a small concrete company who will remain unnamed out of concern for the sensibility of the reader. In this job I was told I did “man’s work” but I did not do it merely for the man’s work I did it for the man’s wages! Unfortunately the company went under shortly after employees stole a large amount of the equipment.

The most recent and most unfortunate in the chronicles of my life was this summer. At the beginning I had my father suffer through a long lingering death in a medically induced coma in a hospital bed. Then I went to camp grizzly as a C.I.T. and did far more work than I was entitled to while at the same time becoming the least favorite person amongst the staff. Then my mother slaughtered my favorite dog and most loyal friend Shilo a poodolf after she started to roam the neighborhood. Then my anorexic lizard Spiderman finally underwent paralysis and died another slow lingering death.

Daniel Brown died on February 14th 2011 at 12:01, after being brutally beaten to death with a coat rack by the now incarcerated Emily Torres, the culprit claims that she was lost in pure loathing after the victim presented the “worst anthology ever” she claimed to be “seeing red” and also reported: “ I know I said it was impossible to fail a poetry unit but that was simply an inexcusably awful anthology”. May he rest in pieces. (Six total)


First off that I even know how to spell epiphany is an epiphany to me!

Anyways, I had a few tough weeks awhile back trying to meet everyones expectation of me as a grieving widow and newly single mom.

I burned some bridges. Usually that is a bad thing, I know, but it made me reflect what I really want? What are realistic expectations to have?

As it turns out, I don't have to make everyone happy. I am not a bad person if people are mad or disappointed in me.

The ONLY people in this world that matter to me are my five beautiful children. My whole point of existing is make sure they are happy and secure in who they are and my love for them. Everything I do is to make sure they are thriving! May not be how you would handle it, but I don't care anymore. I just don't care. Checked my list of things to do, and caring what you think or feel is not on it. So thppppt! ha ha ha

Wow, I am so much happier as a mom. I am more relaxed, I am trusting myself, and I am laughing again. Not a forced laugh so others would not worry, but a real sincere laugh.

So there will be people that feel neglected because I am not giving them the attention they are used to, or feel hurt because i cannot drop everything and jump to their rescue, but that is not the Jenn I can be anymore. I had to really evaluate my list of important things and it turns out it is a short list. Daniel,Isaac,Jacob,Anna, and Maria.

We are going to be okay. Better than okay. We are going to be fantastic!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Proud Mamma Moment!

Okay, there are a lot of moments through out my career as a mom that I get to deal with the not so proud moments of raising this pack of kids.

This blog is a tribute to many of those moments. In fact just Saturday I caught Daniel and his buddy with can of spray paint poised over the fire. NOT A PROUD MOMMA MOMENT!

So I am thoroughly enjoyed last night. The three younger kids were at the Christensen's. My sister in law,Katie came to share in the moment with me.

Ike and his troop did the flag ceremony.

Ike earned rank of Scout and he Tenderfoot last night. Along with a variety of merit badges that did not include, knife throwing, fire arms, or snares. which is odd because he practices those a lot at home.

Yes, this is an actual picture of Ike hugging me in public. I am thinking of getting it framed.
Daniel earned himself quite a few new patches too! He is still one shy to advance to rank of Life Scout. We need to get Citizenship in the Community.

Daniel talked about his geneology merit badge.

He also led the scouts in the scout oath and law.
Ike and his troop retiring the colors.

They taught the boys how to make rope last night. I and realized the cosmos hate me. I have spent year. literally years trying to keep rope out of my house because of Ike's love of snare and nooses and lack of his love for his little brother and stuffed animals.
and now.....THEY TEACH HIM HOW TO MAKE IT HIMSELF!! fantastic.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A taste of spring...

We had our first nice saturday of the winter. No snow on the ground and it was sunny and warm. well, warm by our standards.

So I did what my parents did to us on the first nice saturday of the year. Made my kids go outside and start cleaning up. For some reason, no matter how clean the yard is when it starts to snow, by the time the snow melts it is trashed.

The only thing that made it worth while to them is that we started up the firepit and burned leaves and trash.

After we got done cleaning we went to our favorite store, Northweast Seed and Pet. Played with cute and cuddly animals and bought crickets.
Came home and detailed the cars because they have been neglected since it has gotten cold. And the kids got the fire going again in the back.
Ike put down blankets for all the kids to kneel on and we roasted cocktail wieners and steak.

This was one of the few days where I went to bed feeling I finally got it right. To bad tomorrow is gonna come and kick my butt. :)