it is time

i was told this would help.

getting it all out.

i was really holding it all together for about a month.

and by holding it all together i mean keeping myself so busy i would fall into bed completely exhausted every night.

seems that this all caught up with me on July 23.

One month after my sweetheart and father to our five children died suddenly.

i am setting the table tonight,

for six

instead of seven.

the table seems so huge now.

i am doing the best i can to not cry all the time.

but i really feel like i could.

and it seems silly to me to cry over something that cannot be changed

i fear if i start crying i may never stop

and i will become one of those mothers that spend days in bed

and the children will be left to take care of themselves

i will not allow myself to be that woman

that is not how i was brought up

you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and you deal with the hand you are dealt.

i am just trying to figure out how to deal with this hand. turns out i suck at playing cards.