So I went to my second appointment. I really did not want to go. I was running late, they had the end of my street blocked from construction, they had the freeway down to two lanes so it was backed up. I mean really, I should have just turned around and gone back home!
But I knew if i headed back home the five little rugrats would be waited for me along with whatever disaster they were just about to cause. Talk about motivation.
She asked if I did my homework and what I thought of it. I told her I did it. I thought it sucked. And I never want to do something like that again. My homework was to take an hour a day to grieve (never did that) journal about my feelings (i would much rather ignore them and hope they figure it out on their own) and list the happy and sad times of my marriage. Like I said, this homework SUCKED!!
She said, "hmmmm. perhaps we need to try a new direction." We talked a lot about my anxiety. It has totally spiraled out of control. I have to keep moving all day long. Zipping from one chore to the next. I am exhausted, but I literally cannot stop moving. I am so short and crabby with my kids and just about anyone else that gets in the way of my routine. I told her I am totally parenting by fear. I am so scared that I am going to screw up my children. So I need to get myself to calm down. Shut down the adrenalin that is zipping through my system. This week my homework is to do deep breathing exercises when I feel an attack coming on and also before I go to bed. See if I can get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. I am much more comfortable dealing with the deep breathing. The only thing I worry about is that if i get too relaxed my routine will go to hell. Well apparently you can get to caught up in a routine. It is a form of OCD. If it dictates your life, causes you panic when it gets disrupted, and controls how you interact with others then it is not a routine, it is an illness. I told her all I want to do is get caught up on everything and then I will relax. As many of you know this is what I have been telling myself since Dan died. (it still hurts to type that) And I have added so many things to my list that really I can never get caught up. I have set myself up for failure. This all sounds well and good. I know what I am doing to myself. But I cannot stop it. Not just yet. I still have a few more things I need to get done. The van still has water stains, I have two more loads of laundry left to do, the boys room is a disaster.........but really, when I get those things done then, then I can relax. Right?
My mother in law is a wonderful lady. She wants me to get involved in things that will bring me joy. Hobbies and what not. The thought of trying to find time for me to do a hobby made me have to start my deep breathing exercises. I got nauseous. I quickly changed the subject into where we were going to go shopping today and what we needed to get at each store. Back to my carefully pre-planned list. Deep Breath.
So yesterday I started my .05 mg of xanax. I take one before bed everynight. I will see my therapist in one week. Wish me luck.