Wednesday, September 29, 2010

going down

Ever have those moments when you think you have it all together than BAM! You get the wind knocked out of you? You get up, dust yourself off, think to yourself, "wow that sucked." and move on. right?

well for the past three months I have been getting the wind knocked out of me on a daily basis. everyday, no matter how hard i try to keep things working, keep the kids up on homework, keep my house together, do my callings, and be there for friends and family by the end of the day I am five steps farther behind than what I was when I woke up that morning.

The first few times I bounced back up, dusted myself off and tackled the problem. Sat down, came up with a solution and a plan to reach that solution and put it into action because that is what you do. It does not solve anything to sit around and mope and watch the house and children fall down around you.

Each time you get knocked down, no matter how resolved you are, it gets harder and harder to get back up. You get physically tired, you are emotionally drained and yet before you can get all the way up, the next hit comes and BAM! you are back on your back again. Does not matter that you are not up, children gather around you asking you to fix things, find things, feed them, resolve fights, then there are things outside the home, sports, church, scouts, activities all that need your attention. So you struggle to get up on your knees, thinking to yourself, "I have to do this. It must be done." Then BAM! You get knocked back down again. What is the point of getting up anymore. I cannot win. I cannot do it anymore. I have no more fight left in me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to plan anymore, I don't want to find solutions because guess what? It is all a load of crap. It doesn't matter what I do. I will never get ahead. I will never solve it all, IT WILL NEVER STOP COMING.

so I surrender. I am not strong. I cannot handle this. And I AM DONE.


  1. Now I know this may sound bossy, but I just know what you should be doing is...exactly what you are doing with your blog. Way to go with venting and being honest with yourself. You have people to love and help you. Let us help and love you.

  2. just do as ben does when he just rolls over and lays there, for a long time. no one said you had to get right back up, you don't, eventually you will get back we because we all have to pee. yes, you have had one heckuva 6 months thrown at you, but then you were always a high achiever.
    we love you, scream, yell, cry, stay in bed and call in reinforcements. let the slave labor pick up the baton for awhile.

  3. i have come to the conclusion that Bear is a genius.