Friday, September 2, 2011

17 years

Today marks the anniversary for Dan and I. We would have been married 17 years. Wow. That seems like such a long time. Funny how when he was alive we had a terrible time remembering our anniversary. We did a good job on the 5 yr and 10 yr mark. Made sure to do something very special like a weekend away. But all the other years it was usually forgotten until middle of the day then I would scramble and make us a special dinner. But the past two years I have remembered. I have remembered for weeks before it arrives. I have pondered it much these past few days. There is sadness and thoughts of ,"what if".

On one hand I am very happy with Ben. He is a fantastic man. Seriously I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because he really is an answer to my prayers, which I did not even know I was asking for. If that makes any sense. But I still love Dan. Very much. I don't see that ever changing. Yes, Ben knows this and he totally understands. (see what an awesome guy he is) So what I feel is guilt. Wonderful, familiar guilt. How can I be so happy with this wonderful guy and still be so sad, missing Dan on our anniversary. The heart is a weird thing.

Ben has asked if there is anything special I would like to do to commemorate this day, but I know if I focus on what it is I will be weepy all day long, and yet it feels wrong to force myself to not aknowledge it. Ugh. I cannot win. So maybe this post is my aknowledgement of it. Thank you Dan for 15 wonderful years.

Now to go make the kids breakfast because they are all starving and then get Daniel's stuff dried for practice and him out the door, get the last minute stuff packed and ready for the kids to go back to school and start in on my list of things I need to start school. So basically spend this anniversary the same way Dan and I did when he was alive. :D

1 comment:

  1. This post brought a tear to my eye. Dan was a wonderful person, and I'm sure he is happy you found someone to ease his void. It sounds like you really got a winner in Ben! There's nothing wrong with loving two men, either! You deserve all the happiness in the world, friend!