I was Jennifer Ybarra Reneer for a very long time. We did not always get along with, but we knew eachother well. I knew her hopes and dreams and what she was scared of and even the things she did not tell anyone else. We were close.
Somewhere on this trip I am on that has 15 yrs of marriage and 13 yrs of being a mom I lost Jennifer Ybarra Reneer.
I cannot tell you when it happened. Or what even really caused her to leave. But she is gone and I miss her very much. She was a free spirit, she laughed, and painted and wore crazy clothes. she loved to do crazy stuff with her friends and stay out till 4 am. but i look in the mirror now and i see this woman who has to get the laundry done today or there will be twice as much to do tomorrow, who is wondering if she got all her kids off with the homework they were suppose to take, did their hair get combed? when was the last time the middle one took a shower? Ugh, this mirror is gross i need to clean it....again. should i take Maria in to the drs? what if one of the kids bring lice into the house? i will seriously lose it. can you sell your house if your kid brings lice home? does that qualify me for a stimulus package? should i put my family on hold and go back to school so i can get a job and feel like i am appreciated for what i do, instead of feeling guilty for what i did not get done?
everyonce in a while Jennifer Ybarra Reneer would peek out. I would go out with my friends for a girls night out. Or get out and go running with out the kids. Or more recently, joined Boot Camp.
When the girls started pre-school i took that ninety minutes to do something i cannot do with kids. that is run! i run and run. pushing myself harder and farther. then i started boot camp. it was a whole new level. The harder in worked, the more i pushed, Jennifer Ybarra Reneer started coming back. I did not realise how much I have missed her. But alas, being a wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, mediator and life in general keeps slamming the door on her making me have to choose to put her back away.
Here is the problem. i don't want to put her back away. I am not fulfilled being a wife and mother! being around her has made this very, very clear to me. It is not that I don't love my husband and children. It is just that I need more.
so i am sad, i am mourning the loss of me. who i was, knowing that she will never be back. that brought on extreme depression and resentment towards my husband and children. which, according to the LDS faith, is a huge SIN! i have been taught since youth that this is the be all and end all. i am to be happily married and pop out as many kids as i possibly can, all the while being a domestic goddess for my family. I am not. I have failed.