One Year

This song has been my anthem for my year. It is funny yet, sad.

I cannot believe it has been a year. There were times I did not think I would make it to this day. But I guess I had no say in the matter. Life continues, Needs had to be met. Obligations, church callings, kids, family. The world does not give a break to the greiving. In some ways it is good. It is important to stay the course. In other ways it is incredible frustrating and sometimes....JUST NOT FAIR!

So I have been thinking a lot this past week on what I have learned through this past year.

1. I hate the word, "should" I have heard it a lot from well meaning people. They don't know how much it grates on my nerves because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

2. I am tired of people saying they know exactly what I am going through. And then proceed to tell me how they have witnessed someone else close to them going through the greiving process. They have no idea what I am going through. Grief is a very personal and selfish thing. I don't want to hear how hard you have it with your husband working too much, or how tired you are, or how busy you life is. Therefor they know....exactly how I feel. Because I am willing to bet.......you don't. And in complete and total honesty, I hope you never do know exactly how I feel.

3. Why, oh, why to people have the need to tell me when they hear a story on the news, or through the grapevine of some other young mother that has lost her husband. Believe it or not, it does not bring comfort, peace or a feeling of, "Gee I am so glad that's not me."

4. There may be stages of grief but they don't stop once you reached the last one. They loop. Around, and around and around. Lately I have been so angry inside I could just punch someone! When I get like this I have learned to keep to myself and not to socialize with others much. Other days, I still want to cry, and cry and cry. But like I stated before, life continues, chores to do, children to care for and obligations to meet.

5.Going through the grieving process is a personal journey. Many will tell you how you should be feeling and coping and put expectations on you. You will let them down, and dissapoint them. I have learned to get over this. I cannot grieve for them or on behalf of them.

6. I no longer want to hear how strong I am. That I am a trooper. That I am doing so good keeping it all together. It makes me feel so bad because I am not strong, or a trooper and I am not keeping it together very well at all. It is just a personality I put out there.

7. To portray myself as having it all together. I have found when I am struggling and floundering and let those close to me know it, they tend to panic. It is not something they are comfortable with. So I keep it in.

I cannot believe it has been an year. well not quite one year. In ten minutes it will be a year. and then.....another year begins.