Monday, February 14, 2011

Daniel had to write is own autobiography.....that is all i can say.

Feb, 21,1996, I was born, and the general quality of life everywhere improved.
I have been a demolitions guy from birth and even before my first birthday I had literally shattered every piece of fine china my mother has ever possessed. I also possessed an excellent taste for politics, as evidence I immediately killed the only other rival for my affections at age two, when I recognized my moms 15 year old palm tree as such.




I was a fairly na├»ve child and in the fist grade spent ten minutes with my middle fingers raised and pointed at the teacher asking her repeatedly what it meant. Why was my interest in that field of sign language piqued? It was because one of my fellow detainees in Mrs. Baughers first grade class flew the bird and was taken away. I wondered what it meant and was eventually given the answer. ****. This is what she screamed at me just as I was starting to leave. Needless to say she was taken out of teaching for what the principle called a: “potty mouth.” I tried to get several other teachers fired in this same manner but this merely got me in deep trouble.




More recently was two summers ago when I got my first “real job”! This was merely a small time job with a small concrete company who will remain unnamed out of concern for the sensibility of the reader. In this job I was told I did “man’s work” but I did not do it merely for the man’s work I did it for the man’s wages! Unfortunately the company went under shortly after employees stole a large amount of the equipment.




The most recent and most unfortunate in the chronicles of my life was this summer. At the beginning I had my father suffer through a long lingering death in a medically induced coma in a hospital bed. Then I went to camp grizzly as a C.I.T. and did far more work than I was entitled to while at the same time becoming the least favorite person amongst the staff. Then my mother slaughtered my favorite dog and most loyal friend Shilo a poodolf after she started to roam the neighborhood. Then my anorexic lizard Spiderman finally underwent paralysis and died another slow lingering death.



Daniel Brown died on February 14th 2011 at 12:01, after being brutally beaten to death with a coat rack by the now incarcerated Emily Torres, the culprit claims that she was lost in pure loathing after the victim presented the “worst anthology ever” she claimed to be “seeing red” and also reported: “ I know I said it was impossible to fail a poetry unit but that was simply an inexcusably awful anthology”. May he rest in pieces. (Six total)

5 comments:

  1. big d is quite simply an amazing dude.

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  2. Wow~~~ sounds like something ike would write... your kids are too smart for their own good haha

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  3. Daniel's teacher comment was....

    "Look how many staplers I have on my desk. Why would i use a coat rack?"

    HA HA HA HA

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  4. This was great, you guys are always good for a laugh, thanks for sharing.

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  5. Simply one of the most hilarious things I have ever read! Good job Daniel! You're my hero!

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