warning, this post includes wine.

well more like whine.

I have had a roller coaster of a week. I really thought I was getting better at coping, but then we did our annual family pictures. Some kids really struggled with it and as the photo shoot when on I started to notice the gap in my family more and more. By the end it was all I could do to not break down in front of the kids.

Then Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to watch my friend's kids while she and her husband took out their endowments and got sealed in the temple. I loved watching her girls. They are just wonderful. But I was shocked at the gaping hole that got opened up in my chest when I dressed myself in my whites to go into the sealing room with the girls (I got to hold the baby!) It hurt, physically hurt. I felt awful because here was there special day, and I was a mess. By the end it was all I could do to get out of that building and into my car! I had to pull myself together for the kids. I feel like that is all have been doing this week. Just pulling it together. Well today I couldn't. My heart was broken all over again. I physically hurt. The whole in my chest was tore open all over again and refused to be covered. I am a mess. I fell into bed and hid. Called my in-laws to pinch hit for me. I could not even pull it together enough for to take care of my kids. My mother in law had to drag me out of bed. I did not go willingly. I would much rather sleep through this until morning and wake up and start my routine again.

I did not realise how lucky I was to have someone tell me I am doing a good job, or that I look beautiful today, or that took me no matter what or at least look at me with love. Not the way a child looks at their mother, or the way a mother looks at her daughter. It is a different kind of love. With out that I am losing confidence in myself, I doubt myself a lot, and in general just feel and look like crap. Now, I know I cannot expect someone to give me back my confidence about me, that is something I am going to have to find in myself. I just don't want to. I would much rather wallow in self-pity, thank-you very much.

so right now I hurt, it is fresh, it is open and it sucks. Please let this pass quickly. Please,please,please.