I have started counseling last week at the "um, urging" of my father. which means he got growlie with me.
I had used LDS family services before and was more comfortable going back to them before I tried anyone else.
From my first appt. I can tell you this. I am not a fan. It is going to make me deal with this. See I cannot even say what I am dealing with. I am given homework I am suppose to do. My appointment is tomorrow. I have still not done the homework. Well I did part of it. I read some of the article, but then it got too hard so I stopped reading. My goal is to finish reading and have my homework done before tomorrow. I do know I am struggling. I can see how each day is getting harder and harder for me to keep up my manic pace. I am so, so tired. But if I allow myself to lay in bed I will stay there for hours because I am so overwhelmed.
I read through the first page of this article and saw that I was doing everything on the list of things that I am NOT suppose to do. Oops. I am suppose to stop these habits. I am learning it is much easier said than done. Dang-it!! I cannot slow down. And I am miserable at this pace. Funny, you would just think, "then stop. watch a movie, read a book, veg on the couch." I cannot. My anxiety is off the charts. My fight or flight has gotten out of control. At some point I have to acknowledge my husband is dead and that all the routines in the world are going to make it okay. hmmm, I wonder if I can create a new routine that will help me accept that fact?
well I am really procrastinating doing my homework by writing on my blog. so adios. maybe.....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
tent conversations
The following conversations were overheard from our tent. Initials have been used to protect the privacy of the participants.
The following conversation took place when they were changing into their swim trunks. I am pretty sure that J was banned from all other changing times.
J to F; "You have hair in your armpits."
F; "Yup."
J to D: "do you have hair in your armpits"
D; "Yup."
J; "Can I see it?"
D; "Nope. I am currently using my hands to cover up other hairy places."
J; "Huh. Well look what I can do with my armpits." Too which he proceeded to do armpit farts. And he is really quite good at it.
This conversation took place in the evening when the boys just got back from swimming and were desperate to get into warmer clothes.
D to F; "If you don't turn around and I don't turn around, I think we can get the done with our dignity still intact and not taking our friendship to an uncomfortable next level. Deal?
F; " uh, ya!"
The following conversation took place when they were changing into their swim trunks. I am pretty sure that J was banned from all other changing times.
J to F; "You have hair in your armpits."
F; "Yup."
J to D: "do you have hair in your armpits"
D; "Yup."
J; "Can I see it?"
D; "Nope. I am currently using my hands to cover up other hairy places."
J; "Huh. Well look what I can do with my armpits." Too which he proceeded to do armpit farts. And he is really quite good at it.
This conversation took place in the evening when the boys just got back from swimming and were desperate to get into warmer clothes.
D to F; "If you don't turn around and I don't turn around, I think we can get the done with our dignity still intact and not taking our friendship to an uncomfortable next level. Deal?
F; " uh, ya!"
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Bear
Went camping this week up at Outlet Bay. Same place we have been going to for the past ten years. Ten years of seeing moose, snakes, squirrel, deer and bats. But this year will be always remembered, and this is why........
There is an up side to being paralyzed with fear. It keeps you from doing anything stupid. Such as, running around the tent screaming, "THERE IS A BEAR OUTSIDE MY TENT!!", because it was 2:30 in the morning and most of the children were asleep. In fact I was also blissfully asleep, that is until my mom kept kicking me. By the third time she whispered threateningly, as only a mother can, "wake up. there is a bear outside our tent." I listened for a bit because honestly, this is a woman that can freak out over having a bat in her bedroom. geesh. Sure enough I heard it. That is when the fear kicked in. Then it started to wander closer to my side of the tent. the side that has by two precious girls sleeping. That is when I started to vibrate. No, not just quiver in fear, but a full on, un-controlable vibrate. My mom opened the front flap just to peek. She surmised it was a brown bear. GREAT!! This particular brown bear was asthmatic, at least that is the conclusion I came to from it's heavy breathing that was right by MY HEAD, or it had another sideline of work making obscene phone calls to park rangers. I almost took pity on him and threw out one of Anna's inhalers for him to try, but with the lack of thumbs and all......
So after we heard it saunter off, because a bear never has to really be in a hurry to be anywhere. Heck, they could probably saunter their way through Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to check the damage. Here is a list of food that a bear will and will not eat.
Good Food:
Spinach, Artichoke & Parmesan cheese dip
Humus
Cottage cheese
Butter. Lots and lots of butter. Don't expect them to un-wrap it.
Chocolate
Bad Food:
Cooked Rice
Breaded Chicken
Peaches
Nectarines
Capri-Sun
Pure Maple Syrup (this one shocked me)
Who knew bears were so picky? Not I. So my mom and I, Daniel and his buddy, Jacob gathered up all the food that was scattered around and threw it in the fire pit. I could not get that fire lit fast enough. When Daniel saw that he had gotten into the dips he declared war against "the bear" and threatened to shove a "black cat" up it's butt next time he sees him. (i highly doubt that) anyways, I am a highly visual person and did not know that a Black Cat was a type of firework. Lemme tell you, my imagination ran with that picture and with either Black Cat it did not bode well for Daniel, the bear, or the poor black cat. Now I know this is all bluffing on Daniel's part because this scared the pee right outta three of the four witnesses. One witness, who shall remain nameless because she is writing this blog, was too scared to even pee. The two boys found the nearest tree and watered it. Why did it have to be the nearest tree?
Now before you panic first let me tell you this was totally our fault. We forgot to put away our cooler. We had been so good of burning all our trash and food scraps every night but that night we just totally flaked out putting the cooler back in the van. Lemme tell you, we so remembered to do that the following night! And will always remember from now on. Secondly, I do have a gun and I have been taught how to load and use it. I did not have said gun with me at the time, but I had the key to the gun safe on my key chain! Yes, it is two hours away. But the bear does not know that. DUH. So I figured if he showed up again I will just have to show him I have the potential to become armed. I am sure he will pick up where I am going with this, grab some more butter and saunter away.
There is an up side to being paralyzed with fear. It keeps you from doing anything stupid. Such as, running around the tent screaming, "THERE IS A BEAR OUTSIDE MY TENT!!", because it was 2:30 in the morning and most of the children were asleep. In fact I was also blissfully asleep, that is until my mom kept kicking me. By the third time she whispered threateningly, as only a mother can, "wake up. there is a bear outside our tent." I listened for a bit because honestly, this is a woman that can freak out over having a bat in her bedroom. geesh. Sure enough I heard it. That is when the fear kicked in. Then it started to wander closer to my side of the tent. the side that has by two precious girls sleeping. That is when I started to vibrate. No, not just quiver in fear, but a full on, un-controlable vibrate. My mom opened the front flap just to peek. She surmised it was a brown bear. GREAT!! This particular brown bear was asthmatic, at least that is the conclusion I came to from it's heavy breathing that was right by MY HEAD, or it had another sideline of work making obscene phone calls to park rangers. I almost took pity on him and threw out one of Anna's inhalers for him to try, but with the lack of thumbs and all......
So after we heard it saunter off, because a bear never has to really be in a hurry to be anywhere. Heck, they could probably saunter their way through Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to check the damage. Here is a list of food that a bear will and will not eat.
Good Food:
Spinach, Artichoke & Parmesan cheese dip
Humus
Cottage cheese
Butter. Lots and lots of butter. Don't expect them to un-wrap it.
Chocolate
Bad Food:
Cooked Rice
Breaded Chicken
Peaches
Nectarines
Capri-Sun
Pure Maple Syrup (this one shocked me)
Who knew bears were so picky? Not I. So my mom and I, Daniel and his buddy, Jacob gathered up all the food that was scattered around and threw it in the fire pit. I could not get that fire lit fast enough. When Daniel saw that he had gotten into the dips he declared war against "the bear" and threatened to shove a "black cat" up it's butt next time he sees him. (i highly doubt that) anyways, I am a highly visual person and did not know that a Black Cat was a type of firework. Lemme tell you, my imagination ran with that picture and with either Black Cat it did not bode well for Daniel, the bear, or the poor black cat. Now I know this is all bluffing on Daniel's part because this scared the pee right outta three of the four witnesses. One witness, who shall remain nameless because she is writing this blog, was too scared to even pee. The two boys found the nearest tree and watered it. Why did it have to be the nearest tree?
Now before you panic first let me tell you this was totally our fault. We forgot to put away our cooler. We had been so good of burning all our trash and food scraps every night but that night we just totally flaked out putting the cooler back in the van. Lemme tell you, we so remembered to do that the following night! And will always remember from now on. Secondly, I do have a gun and I have been taught how to load and use it. I did not have said gun with me at the time, but I had the key to the gun safe on my key chain! Yes, it is two hours away. But the bear does not know that. DUH. So I figured if he showed up again I will just have to show him I have the potential to become armed. I am sure he will pick up where I am going with this, grab some more butter and saunter away.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I dare ya!
I dare you to try to use the bathroom in my house. It is almost impossible.
I go in, two seconds later....
Knock,knock. "Mommy, I need you to pour me a cup of milk" states 5 yr old.
Me, "I am sorta busy right now."
5yr old, " I need you to pour me a cup of milk."
Me, "WAIT!"
Knock, Knock. " Mommy when will I get a loose tooth too?" states other 5 yr old.
Me, "When your teeth are ready to come out."
Other 5 yr old, " yes, but when?"
Me, "sigh"
Knock, knock, "Mommy, who is older?" asks first 5 yr old.
Me, "groan."
"Mommy! I am older aren't I"
*now to be honest with you, my daughters voices sound the same to me. so i could not tell who was asking."
knock, knock. "Mommy? are you still in there?"
Only because the window is too small to climb through, my dear.
and so my two minutes of peace are over.
I go in, two seconds later....
Knock,knock. "Mommy, I need you to pour me a cup of milk" states 5 yr old.
Me, "I am sorta busy right now."
5yr old, " I need you to pour me a cup of milk."
Me, "WAIT!"
Knock, Knock. " Mommy when will I get a loose tooth too?" states other 5 yr old.
Me, "When your teeth are ready to come out."
Other 5 yr old, " yes, but when?"
Me, "sigh"
Knock, knock, "Mommy, who is older?" asks first 5 yr old.
Me, "groan."
"Mommy! I am older aren't I"
*now to be honest with you, my daughters voices sound the same to me. so i could not tell who was asking."
knock, knock. "Mommy? are you still in there?"
Only because the window is too small to climb through, my dear.
and so my two minutes of peace are over.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Don't ask me
Because I can almost guarantee you that I don't know.
I am fine if it is the day to day stuff like,
Did you vacuum the floor?
Does the laundry need to be switched over?
Have you brushed your teeth?
Well you get the idea. But if you ask,
What are you wearing today?
What needs to get done?
Why are you doing that?
Do you want to get together later and do something? Well the answer to that one really is obvious..NO! I really hate to leave my house and kids. The guilt is too much. Then there is the worry of getting out of my simple routine that is keeping me together that sends me in a panic. So the answer to that question is NO.
I do have my list that I keep with me at all times that has things I need go get done for the day. There are things that I should put on the list and deal with, but won't. In fact the thought of making decisions make me sick to my stomach. I have a day today that I have to venture out and buy things. I am so sick right now I really want to just go lay in bed for the day and hope it all goes to plan without me having to be a part of it.
I was not always this way. I was the go to and get it done kind of person. But then I got slammed in the decision making process.
Another x-ray? Yes!
Intubate? Yes!
Cannot find meds. Do we substitute? Yes!
Can we test for AIDS? Yes!
Do we do an ultrasound of his heart? yes.
Do we regulate his temp. because he body no longer can? yes.
Do we add more machines in to do the work because his organs are shutting down? yes.
Do we trash the kidneys and start dialysis? Ummmm
Have you started the application for foodstamps? Ummmmm
Did you finish the application for Emergency Medicaid? Ummmm
Have you contacted SSI? Ummmm.
Do we let him live with a feeding tube and trach? Ummmmm
Is it time to let go? Ummmmm
We need to plan the funeral. What would you like? Ummmmm
Where is the paperwork for the house? Ummmm
Do you have your last three years tax forms? Ummmm
We need you to close your husbands business. Ummmmmm
It is time to clean out stuff. Ummmm
Time to get back to your routine. Ummmmm
So if I could hire someone to just follow me around and answer all the questions that people need to know the answer to I would love it. I will pay you double if you answer all the kids questions too.
I am fine if it is the day to day stuff like,
Did you vacuum the floor?
Does the laundry need to be switched over?
Have you brushed your teeth?
Well you get the idea. But if you ask,
What are you wearing today?
What needs to get done?
Why are you doing that?
Do you want to get together later and do something? Well the answer to that one really is obvious..NO! I really hate to leave my house and kids. The guilt is too much. Then there is the worry of getting out of my simple routine that is keeping me together that sends me in a panic. So the answer to that question is NO.
I do have my list that I keep with me at all times that has things I need go get done for the day. There are things that I should put on the list and deal with, but won't. In fact the thought of making decisions make me sick to my stomach. I have a day today that I have to venture out and buy things. I am so sick right now I really want to just go lay in bed for the day and hope it all goes to plan without me having to be a part of it.
I was not always this way. I was the go to and get it done kind of person. But then I got slammed in the decision making process.
Another x-ray? Yes!
Intubate? Yes!
Cannot find meds. Do we substitute? Yes!
Can we test for AIDS? Yes!
Do we do an ultrasound of his heart? yes.
Do we regulate his temp. because he body no longer can? yes.
Do we add more machines in to do the work because his organs are shutting down? yes.
Do we trash the kidneys and start dialysis? Ummmm
Have you started the application for foodstamps? Ummmmm
Did you finish the application for Emergency Medicaid? Ummmm
Have you contacted SSI? Ummmm.
Do we let him live with a feeding tube and trach? Ummmmm
Is it time to let go? Ummmmm
We need to plan the funeral. What would you like? Ummmmm
Where is the paperwork for the house? Ummmm
Do you have your last three years tax forms? Ummmm
We need you to close your husbands business. Ummmmmm
It is time to clean out stuff. Ummmm
Time to get back to your routine. Ummmmm
So if I could hire someone to just follow me around and answer all the questions that people need to know the answer to I would love it. I will pay you double if you answer all the kids questions too.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A short story by Ike
The following story was written by Ike at church, as he sat on the pew, next to me.
Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.
By Isaac Brown
In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"
The End
Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.
By Isaac Brown
In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"
The End
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for....
Just because they seem to have it all together. Right there is red flag #1.
I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell,
" You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.
I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell,
" You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.
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