Because I can almost guarantee you that I don't know.
I am fine if it is the day to day stuff like,
Did you vacuum the floor?
Does the laundry need to be switched over?
Have you brushed your teeth?
Well you get the idea. But if you ask,
What are you wearing today?
What needs to get done?
Why are you doing that?
Do you want to get together later and do something? Well the answer to that one really is obvious..NO! I really hate to leave my house and kids. The guilt is too much. Then there is the worry of getting out of my simple routine that is keeping me together that sends me in a panic. So the answer to that question is NO.
I do have my list that I keep with me at all times that has things I need go get done for the day. There are things that I should put on the list and deal with, but won't. In fact the thought of making decisions make me sick to my stomach. I have a day today that I have to venture out and buy things. I am so sick right now I really want to just go lay in bed for the day and hope it all goes to plan without me having to be a part of it.
I was not always this way. I was the go to and get it done kind of person. But then I got slammed in the decision making process.
Another x-ray? Yes!
Intubate? Yes!
Cannot find meds. Do we substitute? Yes!
Can we test for AIDS? Yes!
Do we do an ultrasound of his heart? yes.
Do we regulate his temp. because he body no longer can? yes.
Do we add more machines in to do the work because his organs are shutting down? yes.
Do we trash the kidneys and start dialysis? Ummmm
Have you started the application for foodstamps? Ummmmm
Did you finish the application for Emergency Medicaid? Ummmm
Have you contacted SSI? Ummmm.
Do we let him live with a feeding tube and trach? Ummmmm
Is it time to let go? Ummmmm
We need to plan the funeral. What would you like? Ummmmm
Where is the paperwork for the house? Ummmm
Do you have your last three years tax forms? Ummmm
We need you to close your husbands business. Ummmmmm
It is time to clean out stuff. Ummmm
Time to get back to your routine. Ummmmm
So if I could hire someone to just follow me around and answer all the questions that people need to know the answer to I would love it. I will pay you double if you answer all the kids questions too.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A short story by Ike
The following story was written by Ike at church, as he sat on the pew, next to me.
Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.
By Isaac Brown
In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"
The End
Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.
By Isaac Brown
In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"
The End
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for....
Just because they seem to have it all together. Right there is red flag #1.
I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell,
" You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.
I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell,
" You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Massage?
I had my first massage tonight.
I am not comfortable being naked around myself, so with a complete stranger is not really my idea of relaxing. I cheated, I kept my underwear on. (yes mom, they were clean.)
They had a mint on the pillow and as the massage started I really wanted to offer it to the nice lady so I would not have to smell her hot, stinky breath. I left it behind when I left hoping she would take the subtle hint.
The massage itself went fine. I did not know what to do with my arms as I laid there. Not the first time for that. I tried several different possitions never quite finding my happy place. I think it had alot to do with the fact that I am NAKED with a strange women. I guess it is better than a strange man. I guess strange is the wrong word to use here. Strange implies that she might have 3 arms or a third eye somewhere other than their head. I should say instead that this is a woman I do not know on a personal level. And frankly I think I am going to keep our relashionship that way. I know if I see her some place else I will pretend I don't know her. Just like my gynocologist.
All in all I really did like it. It was very relaxing and I am so well oiled I thought might slide right off the leather seats of her car. I drank my proper amount of water so now I will be up all night peeing, in the bathroom of course, and very relaxed as I do so. Thank you so much Diane!!
I am not comfortable being naked around myself, so with a complete stranger is not really my idea of relaxing. I cheated, I kept my underwear on. (yes mom, they were clean.)
They had a mint on the pillow and as the massage started I really wanted to offer it to the nice lady so I would not have to smell her hot, stinky breath. I left it behind when I left hoping she would take the subtle hint.
The massage itself went fine. I did not know what to do with my arms as I laid there. Not the first time for that. I tried several different possitions never quite finding my happy place. I think it had alot to do with the fact that I am NAKED with a strange women. I guess it is better than a strange man. I guess strange is the wrong word to use here. Strange implies that she might have 3 arms or a third eye somewhere other than their head. I should say instead that this is a woman I do not know on a personal level. And frankly I think I am going to keep our relashionship that way. I know if I see her some place else I will pretend I don't know her. Just like my gynocologist.
All in all I really did like it. It was very relaxing and I am so well oiled I thought might slide right off the leather seats of her car. I drank my proper amount of water so now I will be up all night peeing, in the bathroom of course, and very relaxed as I do so. Thank you so much Diane!!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
i just don't think these things will ever get easier
Before I call it a night i go and check on all my sleeping babies. Why is it that children looks so much more adorable asleep? They are all warm and fluffy. Anyways, as I kiss them each goodnight and tuck a stray arm or leg. I can feel Dan's presence so strongly. I can feel how much he misses them and it is so hard for me to leave their room. It is like I feel like I need to give them extra kisses and brush the hair off their eyes and linger longer just for Dan. It is so hard that I actually dread going into their rooms. I think of all the goodnights kisses he will miss. And then I go into my bedroom, throw myself on the bed and sob, then tell myself to suck it up, read my book until the Tylenol kicks in.
I hated my son's court of honor that he had earlier this month. Isn't that awful! I felt terrible for having those feelings, but it could not get over fast enough. I hate watching all these fathers slap their sons on the back and tell them good job. I hate seeing the pride in their eyes and I wonder how am I going to do this whole "mother" thing. I find myself second guessing all the time, beating myself up at night for all the harsh things I did or said. Wondering if Dan would have liked me to handle it differently. What do you do when you don't have another spouse to blame for all the mistakes?
I cannot stand being called a widow. I think of myself a strong person, not one to show emotion but that damn word brings me to tears and it friggen ticks me off! I dunno if it is part of my fun little game of denile that I am participated in or what. But if you want to stay on my good side you will NEVER utter that word in my presence.
Um, well that is all for tonights rant. Have a good evening and thank you for tuning in to our program.
I hated my son's court of honor that he had earlier this month. Isn't that awful! I felt terrible for having those feelings, but it could not get over fast enough. I hate watching all these fathers slap their sons on the back and tell them good job. I hate seeing the pride in their eyes and I wonder how am I going to do this whole "mother" thing. I find myself second guessing all the time, beating myself up at night for all the harsh things I did or said. Wondering if Dan would have liked me to handle it differently. What do you do when you don't have another spouse to blame for all the mistakes?
I cannot stand being called a widow. I think of myself a strong person, not one to show emotion but that damn word brings me to tears and it friggen ticks me off! I dunno if it is part of my fun little game of denile that I am participated in or what. But if you want to stay on my good side you will NEVER utter that word in my presence.
Um, well that is all for tonights rant. Have a good evening and thank you for tuning in to our program.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
And now another poem by IKE
Public Bathrooms
By Isaac Brown
they swish
they swash
they overflow alot.
when you poop they start to schwoop
when you pee they riccochet you see
it's not something really hot
yep, it's that good ol' public pot.
things that make me keep having to take Tylenol PM
1. Jakey is turning 8 this year in November.
For LDS this is a time in a child's life that they get baptized. It is a very big deal for us. The father is the one that does the baptism and the confirmation blessing, which puts their childs name on the records of the church, and gives them the gift of the Holy Ghost to be with them always. It is something fathers really look forward to doing along with giving their sons the power of the priesthood when they turn 12.
2. Who is going to teach Daniel how to shave.
Unless he want to learn to shave his legs and armpits, I am at a loss.
3. Annual Father Son campout that our church puts on.
Need I say more?
4. Advanced math.
Meaning anything beyond multipication and division.
5. Daddy Daughter dances.
Well if i am being perfectly honest......Dan could not dance. It may be for the best that the girls are spared from watching that.
6. Are there any good movies out there where a loved one does not die??
West Side Story....out
Dear John......out
Bella.......out
Out of Africa.....out
well I gotta get the kid off to the drs. then off to do more manual labor. up note, patio should be done by the time the sun sets on today.
For LDS this is a time in a child's life that they get baptized. It is a very big deal for us. The father is the one that does the baptism and the confirmation blessing, which puts their childs name on the records of the church, and gives them the gift of the Holy Ghost to be with them always. It is something fathers really look forward to doing along with giving their sons the power of the priesthood when they turn 12.
2. Who is going to teach Daniel how to shave.
Unless he want to learn to shave his legs and armpits, I am at a loss.
3. Annual Father Son campout that our church puts on.
Need I say more?
4. Advanced math.
Meaning anything beyond multipication and division.
5. Daddy Daughter dances.
Well if i am being perfectly honest......Dan could not dance. It may be for the best that the girls are spared from watching that.
6. Are there any good movies out there where a loved one does not die??
West Side Story....out
Dear John......out
Bella.......out
Out of Africa.....out
well I gotta get the kid off to the drs. then off to do more manual labor. up note, patio should be done by the time the sun sets on today.
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